Death Isn't The End
by RUMad
Summary: Quinn died in that car accident and it broke every heart in the Glee club. Only weeks later she woke in her coffin and rose from the grave to wander the streets and hunt human flesh... well that was until an antidote was found. Now its time to go home and return to normal life... only, obviously, everything's not as she left it. Inspired by: In the Flesh. Faberry
1. Fresh Start

**Me yet again. I will actually finish this one and update soon as it's only going to be three parts. It was inspired by BBCThree's 'In the Flesh' but I also remember someone writing a oneshot/short fic about something a little similar a while back (sorry I can't find it at the moment and let you know). If you're in the UK and haven't seen 'In the Flesh' I think its pretty good and the first 2 parts are still on iPlayer, the third and final part is on Sunday (no, I'm not being paid to advertise)**

**Anyway, you don't need to have seen the programme to understand this fic, although I'm taking some ideas from it (mostly in this first chapter) the rest of the story will kinda be my own-ish, its just the version of the undead, and a few details that I'm using.**

**Disclaimer: let's say I don't own much...**

**Anywho, enjoy... I think.**

**Posted: 29/3/13**

* * *

Fresh start

Death isn't always the end, no matter how much some might hope it is. Sometimes weird things happen, unexplainable things, and you get a second chance, even if you don't want it.

...

The younger the person who passed the harder it is for all around them. At the age of 17 it hits all who knew them, hard. It changes the surrounding and fellow teens with a new respect for life, a new fear for loss and understanding of the world around them.

In Lima Ohio, the Glee club, New Directions, of McKinley High found themselves huddled round a hole in the ground, a hole in which a coffin was slowly being lowered into.

Even Santana wasn't able to keep a straight face, no matter how she had felt about the deceased girl in life she was sad now in her death. Brittany just held onto her, and cried into her shoulder. Puck couldn't keep control no matter how hard he tried. Mercedes and Kurt comforted one another, Blaine stood by his boyfriend, his hand squeezing Kurt's shoulder.

Finn just broke down; he looked ready to jump into the grave with the coffin. He kept muttering 'No' in denial that this had happened. Sam looked both lost on how to feel and who to stand by. Finn looked the worst, so he decided to be ready if he did want to take the jump.

Tina, Mike and Artie stood by too, all with tears in their eyes. Mr Schue was speechless. The deceased's Parents stood by too, holding one another, supporting one another before they just fell to the ground in a hopeless pile.

How much more could this glee club take? First Quinn then only weeks later here they are burying another of their own. Another prominent member of their strange family had come to their final resting place. At their head a grave stone would forever stand to tell passersby of who laid here.

A gold star sat top centre of the dark headstone, with the words underneath:

_Here Lies  
Rachel Berry  
18__th__ December 1994  
8th__ of March 2012__  
_

A little over two weeks after Quinn's passing and they lost Rachel too. No one could understand what happened, they were just all in glee club one morning and Mr Schuester came in, with red eyes, his hands almost trembling as he read the notice clamped between his finger and thumb.

They were now two family members short...

...

As violently as her life was taken away, Quinn woke, the rush of her blood through her veins her heart beating heavily in her chest and the unnatural hunger than burned in her stomach as much of a shock as that truck when it hit her.

Darkness surrounded her, she reached out to the sides but didn't get far before her fingers were stopped by fabric lined wood. After a few heavy breaths she could feel the temperature rising. There was material close to her face too. She was trapped.

As the cells rejuvenated in her body she felt another take over, another instinct kick in...

She didn't know how it happened, how she'd had the strength, but minutes later she had clawed and broke her way free of her coffin and was climbing out of that hole in the ground, and she wasn't alone. As she looked around, through the moon lit graveyard she saw others, climbing out of their own graves and stumbling away. She just followed them into the night, joining the hunt.

...

"_Just 8 weeks since the rising of the dead and already we are seeing some of the PDS sufferers return to their homes. Just 3 weeks after the rising and already a medication was created, and the walking dead rounded up for treatment and counselling, but we need to ask ourselves, can we trust them and this medication or could they just turn again. What do you think Paul?" _The female newscaster turned to her associate to get his opinion

"_We shouldn't give them the chance they should be destroyed, Janet" _he said outright

The female news caster, Janet, was quick to then add her own opinion _"But what about those who have had loved ones returned to them, do you think they'd feel the same?"_

"_Honestly Janet I can't imagine a worse kind of hell" He admitted with ease._

"_Well, your thoughts aside Paul, I look forward to being reunited with my brother, who left us late January" _she muttered lowly and the camera focused on the pair saw the opinionated man, know as Paul, suddenly look guilty. Janet suddenly perked up _"Now, we are joined by Dr Caldwell at one of the countries many PDS sufferer's recovery units" _The camera turned to reveal a man sitting the other side of the woman _"Please Doctor can you inform us of what work has been happening at the recovery centres, are the PDS sufferer's still a risk?"_

"_Well it would be wrong to say there's no risk, but our programme is very secure. It is the law for these people to take the medication, or antidote, if you prefer, and it is simple to administer. The medication itself is very simple with no risk of it not working on anyone with PDS-"_

Leroy nervously turned the television off when he noticed the time. He'd heard enough of these discussions on the news anyway, every channel, every day and night it was the top story.

He turned to his husband and softly asked "Are you ready?"

The taller man just looked up at the clock on the wall "Is that the time already?" he said shakily. It was only nearly half twelve but they had a long drive ahead of them.

"Yes, if we want to pick her up at three we better leave soon" they were both so nervous, they'd seen the images of the... PDS sufferers on the TV, with their pale, grey, skin and clouded eyes. That would be the hardest thing for them to get used to.

"Did you mention this to anyone?" Hiram asked his husband. They still hadn't moved from their seat on different sofas.

"No" he shook his head "... I didn't want Rachel going through any stress when we got her home. I wasn't sure if Finn might try come see her... or any of her friends. I thought it was best to not even mention it" he saw Hiram nod in agreement "Did you say anything to anyone?"

"No" Then he remembered speaking to someone the other day "... Judy Fabray spoke to me at the Grocery store the other day... she half asked about Rachel. I just told her we hadn't heard anything" he explained

Hiram wondered why that conversation had come up. It was stupid to wonder though "So is-"

"Quinn is coming back too" Leroy nodded "But I don't think we should tell Rachel straight away"

"No" Hiram agreed quickly "... not after that letter she left us" he swallowed audibly and tears sprung to his eyes as he remembered reading that note they'd left them, with the explanation of her guilt and pain.

Leroy rushed to his side and soothed him "Hey, hey" he hushed as he rubbed the taller man's back "it's okay. We've got her back"

"Have we" he coughed "... what if she's not the same?" the fear was evident in his eyes. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to hug her when he first saw her, no matter how much he wanted to.

"She's still our Rachel, and we'll help her" Leroy assured his husband as he took each of the taller man's hands in his own "Are you ready to do this?"

Hiram breathed in deeply, the cool air extinguishing the pain and sadness from the weeks and months before.

...

"So how are you feeling today?" The councillor asked the girl who sat across from him in the pure white room.

"Better... I think" she answered slowly as she searched her mind for something more interesting to discuss.

"Why do you only _think_ you feel better?" the man pushed as he flicked back through his notebook for more notes on his meetings with this girl. When he looked up from his notes he saw the distance in the girls cloudy eyes "Rachel?"

She blinked awake again "I keep having this dream" she folded her arms protectively across her front, wrapping her hands round the tops of her arms. The clothes they were given so basic, as white as all the walls and floors and ceilings around them. It felt like a prison here, not an advanced rehab facility for an unexplainable disease.

"Go on" he urged

"It's more of a memory really. I'm hunting with this boy... he might be older than me" it's not like she communicated with him like a normal human, she didn't get his name. "But anyway, we were hunting together. There's this girl, and we trapped her... we took her by the neck and..." she had to stop as she breathed shakily "Sorry, I don't want to say anymore"

"It's okay" the doctor reassured her, not wanting to get her too worked up before she took on the stressful task of returning home.

"No it's not" she spat in disgust at her own actions "I killed and ate _people_" the thoughts churned what was left of her rotten stomach "I'm a monster"

A new voice interrupted "No, you did what you needed to do to survive" both the doctor and Rachel looked to the door to find it open and one of the boys, a similar age to Rachel just standing there "If you hadn't given in to the hunger it would have torn you apart" but now they had the 'medication' to stabilise them and remove that instinct and those primal feelings.

"Justin, that's enough" The councillor tried to interrupt.

"Come on Doc" the boy shrugged cool-ly. Rachel just smiled softly at him. He'd been a good friend to her since they'd both started their recovery here. He also had such a positive look on life... well this life. "She doesn't need you talking to her making her feel bad, we should be talking to one another, helping each other get through this"

"Justin, please just wait outside. I will see you after Rachel's session is over" he said more sternly

He sighed, not one to push the authorities too far "Sorry Rach, tried to rescue you, see you later" he smiled at her, making her feel comfortable for a few moments in her miserable second attempt at existence.

When the boy was gone Rachel asked her assigned doctor "How long was I dead?" she knew it was late April, maybe early May, already but she wasn't sure how long she'd even been dead, and in this place, facing the truth every day, she wasn't afraid to ask.

"Um" he checked over his records "well the rising happened 9 days after your..."

"Death?" she asked bluntly

"Yes that" for a doctor and councillor he should have been more used to coming out with the truth, he had to face it in his job every day. She didn't want to ask anymore questions, she knew the people who rose had only been dead recently and hadn't died of old age. The only other question she was brave enough to ask was why it happened or what had caused the rising, and no one had been able to answer that one.

Of course she had other questions but asking them would probably just kill her hopefulness. So they returned to the real reason they were here.

"So Rachel, how do you feel about returning to society?"

...

Leroy tapped his foot nervously as they sat on a bench in a long corridor. Further down the hall sat another pair of people, a man and a woman who he didn't know... why would he, people had travelled from miles around to get here in time for their set up appointment, to pick up their family member.

He watched as the door opposite the pair opened. He saw them stand up and rush forward as two others emerged, one in a nurse uniform.

They'd been told they were the last to pick up their loved one from this 'batch' of reformed undead. That was probably why it was so quiet, they knew they were currently in the 'dorms'. So they knew Rachel was being talked to by her own nurse just on the other side of the doors opposite them.

Hiram had been staring at the wall next to the double door, there was a poster, one that was everywhere at the moment, including on the cover of the booklet they'd been given a couple of weeks ago when they got the phone call saying Rachel was in the recovery programme. They'd known she had risen when they braved a visit to her grave and found the ground had sunk slightly and a hole in which something... or someone had crawled out of.

Back to the posters though, it was on one of those thing- no it was of a PDS sufferer, smiling, letting everyone know they looked different but they weren't different... not anymore, thanks to 'medication'. Most hated the posters, many were torn down, gratified on. But surely this was just another difference people would have to accept.

Both anxious fathers were distracted from their distraction when the door in front of them opened. They sat up straight with bated breaths as the nurse smiled at them then stepped out of the way to reveal... Rachel... as pretty and perfect as before she left them.

The fathers glanced at each other with shock but pleasant shock. They both stood up ready to finally greet her. She didn't wear her white hospital clothes anymore, they'd put her in a long sleeved sweater like she used to wear, for some familiarity, and jeans rather than a skirt to cover her pale legs.

"Rachel" Hiram breathed "Sorry we thought you'd look a little, um" his eyes obviously glanced at the poster, making her smile sadly "Different" he offered with a nervous chuckle

"It's the cover up" she explained "And coloured contact lenses" That's when they saw the only obvious visible difference, the inside of her lips were grey, almost blue.

Hearing her voice made it all so real again. They didn't hesitate to close the gap and envelope her in a hug. They almost hesitated when their fingertips first grazed her skin when their bodies pressed again the sides of hers at the coolness of her body and skin. She wasn't cold, just not as warm as usual.

"Okay so you've got all our details" the nurse said, interrupting their moment. The men pulled away to see the middle aged woman smiling at their little reunion

"Yes" Leroy confirmed as he squeezed Rachel's shoulder

"Good, a PDS community care officer will visit your home tomorrow to show you how to administer the medication and give you their contact details if there are any problems" she told the two, still nervous, fathers. "And you Rachel, you know there are people you can contact if you need to"

"Yes" the girl just said quietly

"Okay then, this is where we part ways" the nurse finished "I'll escort you to the exit" She had nothing but her fathers and the clothes on her back, so leaving was going to be quick and smooth.

Rachel wasn't sure if she was ready for this, returning to society, the place she'd tried to escape in the first place. Life... and in this case death too, was cruel.

...

Quinn sat in front of the mirror at her dressing table, staring at her reflection. She'd only been home an hour and already got a nasty surprise when she was collected earlier that day. Luckily her crazed, zombie, state hadn't wandered far before being captured and sent to a recovery unit so the journey had only been an hour by car to get home. Just one hour in which she had to sit with both her father and her mother.

At least he hadn't moved back in, he was just in her life again. She guessed her mom and he and reconciled at least on friendly terms after her passing... so maybe he did care about her... or maybe it was a way back in so he could get his house back.

She kept brushing and moving her hair, trying to find a simple style that would cover the permanent stitching just on the left side of her face, it almost disappeared into the hairline and it was delicate stitching so it wasn't that noticeable. But still she imagine nothing would be good enough, she wouldn't be good enough if she didn't look normal and perfect for her broken family, especially if Russell was still downstairs staying for dinner that they'd be sitting down to in an hour or two.

The blonde did think of other things while she sat there. Mainly how would her friends react, would they still be her friends?

...

When the Berry's arrived home they parked the car in the garage. Rachel wondered if that meant her fathers were ashamed of her, or hiding her. They suggested she go to her room when they finally got inside, to reacquaint herself with her home.

As soon as she stepped inside the room she recognised straight away they'd changed the carpets. When she sat on the bed she felt the mattress was different too... it was new. And the sheets were obviously not the ones she'd last laid on.

Other than that everything was exactly as she left it, meaning even when they moved everything for the new carpet to be laid they'd put it back exactly how she left it... she would have cried but...

"Rach, dinner!" she heard Leroy call up the stairs. This was it, the next step she took would be like she'd come back to that moment months ago. The day she'd come home from school and she just couldn't take it anymore and she'd made a decision there and then.

She imagined they called her for dinner when they got home later that day... only she never left her room.

She had to this time though. So she got up, not even looking back at the bed she'd be sleeping in tonight and left the room to join her fathers downstairs. When she got to the dinner table both her dads were busying themselves, setting the table for the three of them.

"It's your favourite tonight, vegan lasagne" Hiram told her proudly as he set the dish in the middle of the table.

"Oh, daddy I'm sorry" she said nervously "I can't eat"

"Really" his shoulders dropped. "Couldn't you just try a bit?" he encouraged hopeful. Leroy watched on, just wanting to see how this ended.

Rachel's hid her disappointment, if he still wanted her to eat it meant he hadn't really read the damn booklet he'd been given, at least not in detail "Of course daddy" she quickly gave in, the guilt of what she'd already done to them making her concede too quickly.

They just wanted to be normal again, well their kind of normal.

She took a seat at the head of the grand, oversized dining table that was always ready to accommodate many guests when the Berry men wanted to entertain their circle of friends. A father sat either side of her as they started to dish up Rachel's favourite. They watched as she accepted the food, anticipating what she would do next.

She smiled at them as she cut into the piece on her plate with her fork, she then scooped it up and put it in her mouth. She chewed slowly savouring the flavours she couldn't taste and swallowed "It's really great dad, perfect" she told Hiram with her best fake smile

"Oh good" he beamed back. Leroy smiled too. Everything could be fine again.

Suddenly something didn't sit right with Rachel and she wasn't surprised "Sorry I need to go to the bathroom, I should have gone before I sat down" she muttered her apologies as she left them to continue their dinner. Again they didn't seem to notice how odd it was that she was going to the bathroom... she didn't need to _go_, she never would again.

She barely reached the toilet when her rotten insides rejected the food she once craved, mixing the mouthful she had forced down with a black rotten sludge as it splattered in the toilet basin. With another cough and heave, more of the black substance projected from her mouth and tainted the insides of the white porcelain beneath her.

When her stomach stopped convulsing she flushed the chain on the toilet watching the black liquid fade in the basin. It didn't all go though. She decided to clean her mouth out as she waited for the system to refill. She rinsed her mouth out with just water and made sure to not swallow even a drop, afraid of what it would do to her. She then took her cover up out of her jeans pocket, where she planned to always keep it for emergencies

She flushed the toilet again; removing all evidence of her... incident then washed her hands and rejoined her father's as if nothing had happened.

She mimed eating the rest of her dinner, constantly complimenting them on how wonderful it tasted and how she'd missed it. They noted that she wasn't actually eating, but they ignored it, not caring that she didn't actually eat, just happy she was sat by them again and they were whole again.

...

"Quinnie, dinner!" Quinn was removed from her thoughts and exploration of the damage to her body when her mom called her down for dinner. She hadn't felt brave enough to check her scars and permanent stitching from where they'd fixed her up, when she was in the recovery unit. She never had a minute to herself there so she'd always been afraid to look at herself with others around.

"Coming" she called back as she flipped her hair back over the face stitches and got up to leave her room.

When she got downstairs her parents were sat at opposite ends of the table, leaving her a space in between them. When she saw that a plate of food was already at the table, set at her place she stopped. Before she'd even sat down she looked straight to her Judy and with guilt apologised "Sorry mom, I can't eat"

"Oh" the mother actually looked at her apologetically "Sorry Quinnie, I thought I'd read that somewhere but I must have forgotten"

"Please Quinn, still take a seat with us, you don't mind do you" okay that was unnerving, what had got into Russell, why was he being nice?

"Um sure" she almost nervously tucked the loose strands of hair behind her left ear before remembering that wasn't a good idea "It looks really great mom" she complimented Judy when she sat down again.

"Thank you Quinn" the mother just nodded, Quinn could feel the nervousness radiating from her though.

"So Quinn" Russell started "I assume you will be returning to school soon, to finish your senior year. Or will you retake senior year as you've lost the time"

"Ah, well I haven't really thought about it" she'd already said goodbye to him so long ago, it was weird to be talking to him again. It must have been weirder for him though "I guess if its okay I will go back soon, and if I can I'll graduate this year but if it doesn't work out I'll retake" it wouldn't be so bad, she had friends through glee club who would still be their next year.

She didn't want to really think about that though, she didn't want to be answering questions right now either, she wanted to be asking them, one in particular: Why had she been buried when Judy knew she wanted to be cremated. Not that it was a normal thing to discuss with your parent when you're a teenager but she had been specific when it had come up.

"Well hopefully the school can help you out" Russell reassured her "It's not like... well no other kids have gone through what you have" Quinn noted how he couldn't actually mention PDS or even any of the derogatory terms for what she was. And he was normally comfortable using any frowned upon term for anything

"Except... well except one" Judy muttered

"Who?" Quinn asked as she looked between her parents. She couldn't think of anyone her age who'd been as unfortunate as her.

"Oh her" Russell nodded in realisation

"Who?" The girl asked again, desperate to find out who they were speaking of.

"That Berry girl" As soon as Russell said those words dismissively Quinn felt dread pass through her body.

"Rachel?" she kept her voice strong, not wanting _him_ to hear it tremble "What happened to her?"

"Weak fag spawn" Russell muttered, proving he didn't mind using _those _kind of terms.

"Russell" Judy chastised lowly. She had become acquainted with Leroy and Hiram since her divorce and held nothing against them. The man opposite her was not her husband so she had to remind herself not to let him push her around or dictate her opinions.

"What Judy she was, she always had been" from everything he heard about the girl in recent years, she was just a loser, a weakling in the McKinley High food chain.

Quinn hated herself for knowing she was the reason he thought that, when in truth. Rachel was the strongest person Quinn had known "What happened to her?" she asked again, while managing to keep all her emotions in check.

"Oh... she killed herself" Russell told her nonchalantly with an equally dismissive wave of his fork. "Like I said, weakling" he stabbed another piece of meat on his plate then looked to his ex wife to ask "The Berry's haven't heard anything?"

"No, I don't believe so... we were lucky" Judy said as she smiled fondly at Quinn. There was something there though glistening in her eyes... Quinn knew immediately what it was: fear

Meanwhile all Quinn could feel was gut wrenching pain at the thought Rachel was dead. That annoying diva, despite everything, had brightened most days for Quinn and now she was gone. Why on earth had she killed herself though, why would she do that? Had the bullying been too much? Was it all Quinn's fault?

Rachel was dead...

* * *

**Let me know what you think...**

**I know there was a lot of explaining, but Quinn and Rachel will be reunited in the next chapter, if you're interested :/**


	2. Reunited

**Thanks for the response, I'm glad you guys seem to be liking this... let's see how long it lasts before I mess this up. Anyway, thanks for reviewing: sollieus, snowdrop1026, FaberryBRA, stuckinherdaydreams, BigMammaLlama5, ShadowCub, yoyoism, Anonymous, JOEBLACK, xtreme, grumbling177, Whisperer21, awesomestgleek, Cassie Noir, nightcuddler, Alessa, Valerii. FaberryFan, Guest, Natty. S and lemon-rind**

**And Alessa, I think you're right it must have been ****your. kat****'s 'The Risen' that's a little similar to this... I'd recommend it but I imagine most have you have already read it anyway. Also this fic wasn't intentionally similar to that one, I just remembered it when I started writing this :/**

**Posted: 31/3/13**

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Reunited

Quinn had never been nervous walking down these halls, vulnerable maybe, but never nervous as well. The time of her pregnancy had acquainted her with the vulnerability when wandering the halls but this was obviously very different.

Maybe she was wrong, maybe she wasn't ready to go back to school. She'd only been home 3 days and she wasn't even used to that again yet, with her dad showing up at some point every day.

Everyone was staring at her, of that she was sure. Well it wasn't every day the girl who died in a car accident started walking round the halls again, and with no intention of eating human flesh as well.

Not long now and she'd make it to her locker, the same locker as she'd had before. Once she had dropped half her books off, and made her bag lighter, she could go straight to class early, and then she'd fine some quiet for a moment. And even after class began she'd only have 25 pairs of eyes staring at her, not hundreds.

Just one more corner to round and she would see her locker. As she took that final step round the corner she expected she'd be able to see her locker from there. She didn't expect a flash of blonde hair and a warm body to crash into hers with two arms wrapping tightly around her.

"Sanny said you were never coming back" Brittany squeaked right into her ear as she held on tightly, trapping Quinn's arms at either side of own cold body "She lied"

"In my defence... you were dead" Was grumbled from the blind spot covered by Brittany's head "Britt let her breath" San told her girlfriend.

The blue eyed girl did as she was told, and pulled away. When she actually made eye contact with Quinn she just grinned at her "So happy you're okay" she beamed as she linked hands with the Latina next to her.

That was questionable. Would she ever really feel okay again?

"Looking good Q" Santana kept a distance between them, but in reality that wasn't really anything much different in her attitude to her old cheerleading captain. "Though you'd be all messed up" she said with vague wave of the hand over her own face.

She just nodded, she didn't know if they knew she was wearing cover up and contacts, and not just any cover up, it was one issued by the PDS rehabilitation scheme. It was thicker, and more resistant to the elements. Anyway, she didn't want to remind them that she was just in a disguise.

"So, are you coming back to glee club later?" Brittany asked "we've got a meeting during third period"

"Yeah, I'll see you there" she remembered her time table nothing had changed, she didn't want anything to change anyway so of course she'd be returning to the most accepting group of people in the school. Of course this would be a test of just how accepting they really were.

Suddenly she felt the corridor around her still... even more than it already was. Obviously some students couldn't help but stop and stare when they saw her in the halls. But as she glanced beyond Brittany and Santana she noticed they weren't only looking at her.

She followed their eye lines to whatever stood some distance behind her. She felt her breath hitch when she saw a bright eyed Rachel Berry staring at her with disbelief, the same expression Quinn was now looking at her with.

All the noise faded them, no it really did as people stopped talking and just watched as the two Zom- PDS sufferer's stared at each other.

Suddenly Quinn felt her feet moving beneath her and rushing towards the shorter girl. Just as Brittany had done to her mere moments ago she pulled Rachel into a hug, a desperate and relieved hug.

"I was told you died" she whispered into Rachel's ear as the smaller girl returned the embrace, wrapping her arms round Quinn, welcoming the contact. Neither cared who was watching they just needed this, Quinn had spent the last few days feeling sick thinking she'd never see the girl again, and afraid to admit why she felt that way.

"I did" Rachel murmured softly as she exhaled calmly "but I'm back now. And so are you" the last few words were almost a squeak of pure relief.

...

"Right" Mr Schue settled the group as he prepared to start the glee club meeting "First I'd like to welcome back Quinn and Rachel" he smiled at the two returning members who sat separated from the others. Rachel sat middle front, one seat over from Mercedes and Kurt, Quinn sat in one of her usual corners, Brittany happy to sit next to her. "That's something I never thought I'd be saying" he muttered but everyone still heard him. He was about to introduce today's task when he remembered something "Oh before we get started, Miss Pillsbury has set up a- ah, PDS sufferer's meeting group. It starts today at lunch time... she thought it was appropriate as you..."he trailed off as Rachel nodded quickly in agreement. They didn't eat so lunch time would be fine.

"Thanks for letting us know Mr S" Quinn confirmed verbally.

"Right now..." the teacher started his usual lecture with an uneasy smile on his face. For the living students it was refreshing to see any smile. First the deaths of their friends then the frenzy and danger as the dead walked the streets; it hadn't been easy on them either.

Rachel could feel Finn's eyes burning into the back of her skull. Of course he was weary of her, he didn't even know how she'd died, or what she was anymore. The deep black scars in her wrists hidden just underneath her sweater sleeves were a constant reminder to her and her end, and her lack of want for life. Was she just a zombie, like in one of his video games, if she went rabid could she tear him limb from limb and eat his insides. If he got away only injured would he become one too...

...

By the end of the meeting they all had an assignment to come up with a song for some reason... Rachel wasn't sure she hadn't been listening. Yes Rachel hadn't been listening in a glee club meeting; her mind had been anywhere but with the teacher and his discussion.

She'd been thinking about Finn and wondering what he was thinking. Then to Kurt and Mercedes and wondering if their friendship was ruined too. And then to Quinn, the hug they shared only a couple of hours ago and now the space between them again.

She couldn't care about that too much right now though, Quinn was alive again! That's what really mattered.

"Hey Rach" The short brunette had been distracted by her day dream she didn't see Mercedes and Kurt over shadow her by basically standing in front of her. "It's ah, good to see you again"

"Thanks... its good to see you guys too" she didn't really know what to say and immediately regretted those words when they came from her mouth. "Um, we used to hang out on Friday's after school, maybe you'd both like to come over again"

The diverse pair looked at each other as if communicating through their eyes before looking back to their old third wheel "Yeah Maybe" Kurt smiled falsely "We'll have to see if we're not doing anything first"

"We'll get back to you" Mercedes told her "See you later" she linked arms with Kurt and headed for the door. Rachel just sighed to herself as she picked up her school bag from the floor next to her seat.

When she stood up straight again Finn was in front of her. She couldn't help but smile shyly at him "Fin-"

He just shook his head, his eyes growing watery as he did. He then stormed away, he couldn't talk to her, he couldn't trust her. She hadn't even bothered to find him this morning yet he'd seen her pass him 3 times already today. He felt she obviously thought she didn't owe him any kind of explanation, of what happened, of why she just happened to die.

Her contact covered eyes followed the tall boy to the door, they then caught another pair of contact covered eyes looking back at her. Quinn just offered Rachel a sympathetic smile before slipping out of the room and heading to her next class.

...

At lunch time every PDS sufferer in the school met up with Miss Pillsbury in the same room the Celibacy club used to meet in... So that was just Quinn, Rachel and Miss Pillsbury.

The guidance councillor got their first, and unsurprisingly Rachel got their seconds later. Wanting to feel more familiarity she took her old seat for when she was actually in the celibacy club.

When Quinn walked in she gave Rachel another smile, a warm one this time. But she still happily took her old seat. It was ironic really, before they didn't want to sit anywhere near each other, hence sitting on opposite sides of the room... but that was the ironic part, despite the distance they were facing one another, unable to escape the other, always in their sight.

"Welcome to the first weekly meeting for PDS sufferers" The guidance councillor greeted "So Um, if we turn to page 3 of the pamphlet" she said directing them to that damn leaflet, with the smiley girl with PDS, she'd put out in the desks for them

"I've already read it" Rachel interjected. She was sure the guidance councillor would have already read it too so that she was prepared for the meeting. Neither PDS sufferer couldn't really tell how Miss Pillsbury was feeling, she just looked as awkward and nervous as ever.

"Me too" Quinn said in agreement. She might actually scream if she read the thing one more time, she could probably recite every word.

"Oh-okay..." the teacher suddenly felt useless right now without the leaflet. She had a piece of paper next to her with thing she could cover in the meeting "um... Who can tell me what PDS stands for"

"Partially deceased syndrome" Quinn answered that one quickly in monotone "Not very inventive" she muttered in Rachel's direction with a small smile

"No... PDS actually sounds better" Rachel chuckled humourlessly

"Yeah" Quinn agreed lightly

"Okay, so um, what's next" The guidance councillor muttered to herself as she scanned through the sheet desperately again "Oh right, now the medication you are given, I couldn't find out much about it in the leaflet-"

"Neurotriptyline" Rachel answered, of course she remembered what it was and what it did, Quinn would know too... it had its very own leaflet "Neurotriptyline artificially stimulates the neurogenesis of Gial cells, cells that we can't produce anymore. Gial cells are vital for proper brain function" she offered with a weak smile. She actually liked informing people about that one, it made PDS more understandable and made her feel closer to human again.

"Right... I didn't know that" Emma said both surprised and impressed.

"They gave you that other leaflet on it at the recovery centre?" Quinn asked, ignoring the fact the teacher was even in the room. They respected her for trying to be accommodating but it wasn't necessary, they'd already talked about all this stuff over and over again with various people. Really coming here was just an excuse to avoid the cafeteria and more staring.

"Yeah, that one and this one" Rachel gestured to the one already in front of them

"I must have read through both the leaflets a hundred times, just because it was the only thing they gave us to read" she chuckled humourlessly as she remembered the prison like experience at the facility. Even though she'd only been there three weeks it felt like so much longer.

"Okay..." Miss Pillsbury tried to find a new topic, yet again "How about we start talking. Quinn? How have you been since your – ah... return?"

"Well lets see..." she leant back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest "I thought I died in a car accident only to wake up... and end up back home, where my dad just happens to be back in my mom's life. And even though he hasn't said it yet I know my dad can't stand what I am, while my mom is afraid of me, and my sister doesn't even want contact with me... that's pretty much it really" she shrugged with a sense of sarcasm.

Miss Pillsbury just blinked at her... she didn't have a specific leaflet that could help Quinn out with that situation "Okay... Rachel, anything to say to that?"

She didn't even need the invitation from the teacher, just hearing Quinn talk about things she could relate to right now was refreshing and encouraging "Your mom's afraid of you? My dads are pretending like nothing's happened, the only thing that's changed is they need to give me a daily injection... daddy was a bit trigger happy" she winced in memory then smiled sadly

Quinn's eyes lightened up, Rachel had suddenly reminded her she wasn't so alone outside the rehabilitation centre "Yeah my mom was shaking so bad she almost missed the hole in the back of my neck" she chuckled not as humourlessly that time.

"The nurse who came round, the 'PDS community care officer' she had only had three weeks training" Rachel said in disbelief and somewhat disgust at the thought of someone being underprepared for anything. There wasn't really anytime though the turn round programme had been stupidly fast, only three weeks from rabid zombie to PDS sufferer back on the streets "She was fumbling with the injection gun so badly, it just made me feel so nervous"

"Oh god did she say 'it's okay, I've read through the booklet 3 times'" Quinn leant in, against her desk, becoming more animated than she had been in a while over such a odd discussion.

"We must have had the same one" Rachel realised "She was terrible... still better than daddy though"

"Still better than my mom" Quinn agreed "Did she take one of your dads to the side at the end?" The blonde asked cautiously.

"Yeah" Rachel furrowed her brow.

"She did the same with my mom..." Quinn nodded as she looked down at her hands she'd clasped together on the desk "she doesn't know but I listened in. Did you know she probably gave your dads a taser gun?"

Rachel's contact covered eyes widened "Why on earth would they need to do that, don't they trust me?"

"I don't know, I just heard that... well apparently there's some drug going round, little blue pill called Blue Oblivion and it can reverse the effects of the neurotriptyline injection" she shrugged "I think it's like standard practice, they have to give one out to every... 'carer'" she swallowed the lump in her throat before adding "My mom keeps hers by the bed"

"I think I left some more pamphlets in my office I'll be right back" The guidance councillor excusing herself went unnoticed by the two girls finding conversation they bother were and weren't entirely comfortable with.

"I'm sorry, about your mom" Rachel said sadly

"No it's okay" Quinn waved it off, she hadn't expected anything different from Judy "I can't really blame her for feeling like that, things aren't going to be perfect are they?"

"No... my dads... I thought they were the most accepting people on the planet but this, this isn't something they thought they'd need to accept. And you saw Kurt and Mercedes reaction when I tried inviting them round earlier... and you saw Finn"

"Finn's no great loss" Quinn told her with a hint of mischief.

The reminder of what happened just stabbed Rachel in her slowly beating heart. Quinn saw the drop in her features, the avoidance in eye contact and immediately bit her tongue for bringing up the past.

Quinn decided to move away from that area of the subject "Puckerman keeps asking me to take my contacts out. I told him if he asks one more time I'll bite him and turn him"

Rachel furrowed her brow again "But Quinn... it can't be passed on, you are only... reborn with it"

"Yes, but he doesn't know that" she smirked and for a moment Quinn was a different person, a happy person with a brightness in her artificial hazel eyes.

She just smiled at the other girl, taking a moment to take life in again. Quinn was here, not in the ground where Rachel's selfish actions ha- "So did you make any friends at your recovery centre?" she asked before she her emotions could get to her.

Quinn smiled at her recent memories "Yeah a couple... you?"

"I seemed to make close friends with this one guy" Justin... who she'd never got a chance to say goodbye to.

"Oh yeah... how close?" Quinn teased with that signature eyebrow raise that made Rachel's heart flutter. She'd missed everything so Quinn

"No not like that" she scrunched up her nose "He was a pretty good friend, even if they didn't always share the same opinion, he just had a wonderful love for his rebirth and new life. And he was like 15" she added for further measure

"And the age difference between you and St James was...?" she smirked

Rachel just shook her head and rolled her eyes playfully. For a moment it felt like there had been no end and new beginning, they were just two friends, which was just a small thing Rachel had always wanted, talking and having fun "Was it me or was it mostly young people there?"

"I don't know, I didn't really notice. I guess there were a lot of young people... one woman there had been dead almost a year and still rose. She looked as fresh as me" they'd both heard that everyone who had risen had died up to a year before "She was so lucky though, she'd died in giving birth, but her husband and son still turned up to take her home, just happy she was alive again" she wish they'd all been so lucky. Brittany had been the first one to show her any true emotion.

"Weren't your parents then?" Rachel asked curiously, hadn't they at least been comforting when they bought her home.

"They were... I don't know I couldn't really tell, they greeted me as if I'd come home from school" Quinn decided that was the best way to describe it. When she saw that sympathetic look on Rachel's face she jumped subject again, not wanting to hear any more of it "Sorry I hugged you this morning, I was just really relieved to see you after I heard you'd died"

"It's fine... I honestly couldn't believe you were standing there too" it had been the best feeling in the world when she saw that short blonde hair in the signature cardigan and dress combo. She just smiled fondly at the other girl, almost in a daze as she blocked out everything negative, the guilt, the regret, the pain.

"How did you die?" it was asked so softly Rachel wasn't sure if she heard Quinn correctly. Her hands subconsciously gripped at the edges of her sleeves of her animal sweater, making sure her wrists were covered. What she did hear was the obnoxious ringing of the school bell out in the hallway

"Oh there's the bell" she grabbed her bag and stood up abruptly, making the chair scrape across the linoleum floor "Well see you later Quinn" she nodded to the other girl before rushing from the room, leaving the question unanswered.

...

It had been a long day and if it was possible Quinn was sure she'd have a killer headache right now. She was just collecting everything she needed from her locker when she felt the space around her grow darker.

Feeling like someone wanted to talk to her she turned sharply, only to come face to face with her coach

"Good to see you back Q... I think" she narrowed her eyes at the girl making her feel uneasy "And I wanted to tell you no hard feelings but I don't expect you to be back out on that field this afternoon" the coach was on her way there now when she'd spotted the PDS sufferer at her locker "Can't have someone lifting you and one of your rotten limbs falling off"

Honestly, Quinn expected nothing less from the wonderful cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester. That didn't mean the comment didn't still hurt though. Still, she really didn't want to rejoin the Cheerios anyway, she just wanted to finish school so she could get out of here.

Quinn didn't say anything she just watched her old coach walk away "Oh and Q" the coach stopped and said over her shoulder "I just saw your fellow ghoul get attacked by Azimio and his boys. She'll be cleaning up in the bathroom" she told her nonchalantly before walking away again.

"They slushied her?" she called after the coach but didn't answer as the woman disappeared round a corner in the corridor "Great" Quinn muttered to herself "Which bathroom?" she was about to wander the school in search when something came to mind "Shit" she seethed to herself, in the mostly empty corridor "The makeup" the slushy would have wrecked the cover up. Some light rain, wind, natural elements, the cover up would stand up to that, but not the pelt of a slushy facial. With that in mind she didn't wander, she rushed to find the other girl

...

Rachel's sweater lay over one of the sinks drying out as she cleaned herself off. Her contacts sat next to one of the taps at the sink she was standing at. The cover up and blue slushy had been washed off her face and out of her hair and down the sink.

She'd needed to expect the damage but it had been so hard having to look at herself in the mirror. Most days this felt like a cruel joke. Choosing to die, only to come back, and to make it through all the fighting when she'd been rabid so that she'd return home one day...

Suddenly she heard heavy, rushed footsteps working their way down the hallway, closer and closer. In a moment of panic and knowing her luck Rachel chose to hide, just in case whoever was out there ended up inside this room. She scrambled to grab her sweater, her bag and her little compact with the heavy make up in it, and rushed into one of the cubicles.

Just as she got the door closed, and slipped the lock across, she heard the door to the bathroom open.

"Rachel?" she heard Quinn call. She just held her breath, she really couldn't let Quinn see her like this. "Rachel I know you're in here, you've left your contacts on the sink"

"Damn" the brunette whispered to herself "I'm not coming out until you're gone" she told the other girl

"You don't need to worry... I heard what Azimio did" She said softly as her equally soft footsteps grew closer "Oh come on Rach, its not going to be that bad" she tried

"Please Quinn" the blonde really was the last person Rachel could ever let see her like this, exposed, grey, dead.

"If you show me yours I'll show you mine" Quinn tried to bargain.

"Excuse me" Rachel spluttered.

She heard Quinn chuckle; perfect music to her ears "Just come out, if it will make you feel better I'll show you the ugly stitches on my face"

Rachel creased her brow "What stitches?"

"You're intrigued. Come out here and you'll find out" Quinn said again, hopeful this time she'd win. The sound of the sliding lock signalled her victory.

Slowly, painfully so, Rachel revealed herself, in her blue stained undershirt, her bare grey arms, her pale greying face, with dark rings under her eyes and the part people feared most when looking at them: the eyes. The iris had been replaced by cloudy yellow that bordered on covering the pupil too.

She couldn't look Quinn in the eyes, couldn't bear to see any kind of disgust on the face of the girl she-

"You look great" at Quinn's words she raised her head in shock of such an admission, completely forgetting what she'd decided "Hey, I get it" she continued softly when Rachel looked worried "If anyone gets how you're feeling I will"

Rachel just nodded and headed back to her sink, dropping her bag back to the floor and slinging the damp sweater back over a separate sink. "You can go" Rachel told her, not liking the way Quinn still watched her. It made her rotten skin crawl.

"No I want to help" she came up nest to Rachel, keeping eye contact with her through the mirror. She tucked her hair behind her ear revealing the stitches she mentioned before "I'd show you mine remember"

Rachel slowly turned to get a real look at the side of Quinn's head, the blonde did the same to be more accommodating "They're not that bad" she mentally scolded herself for wanting to reach out and touch them, to touch Quinn's face.

"They're going to be with me forever though" she didn't sound as bitter as Rachel thought she'd feel if she had permanent stitches in the side of her head.

"Why aren't you mad at me?" the brunette asked abruptly

"What?"

"I got you killed" she felt actually tears welling in her eyes. Which was weird because she wasn't even sure if she was able to cry.

"No, Rach, I got myself killed, I committed like a huge driving faux pas, don't use a phone while driving" there was that chuckle again, the humourless one that could have still sounded more bitter "So stupid. But I'm back now" she smiled down at the shorter PDS sufferer

"But you wouldn't have been in that car if it weren't for me-"

"Don't you dare" Quinn snapped before softening again "Don't blame yourself" she reached for Rachel's hand that was still enclosed round the cover up makeup "Here let me help you"

"You don't have to" her voice hesitated but her hand gave in, loosening its grip on the compact

"Hey I know what I'm doing, I have had enough practise" as she took the makeup her eye caught something on Rachel's wrist. She gripped the wrist just enough to turn it over an reveal the black scar, deep in the skin. It was like it had been gouge out. "How did you die?" she whispered, wanting an answer to the question the brunette had avoided earlier.

Rachel didn't answer she just turned away, guilt written all over her grey face.

"Jesus Christ Rachel!" the verbal explosion just made Rachel flinch "My dad said but... I didn't want to believe" she shook her head in disbelief. Sure Rachel was dramatic but this _had_ to be going too far "Why would you do something like that?"

Rachel couldn't find the strength she had before she'd taken her life, she couldn't fight the same way. She just weakly murmured "Everything turned to shit after you died" she'd sob if she knew she could

"Are you kidding me?" the suddenly more dramatic of the two grabbed Rachel by the shoulders and turned her so she would look at her "That's all you've got?"

"Come on Quinn, how many do you think blamed me for your death, how many hated me for my selfish behaviour" that was weak too, and not the truth, it wasn't other peoples blame and hate that pushed her "That didn't matter though, I blamed myself more than any of them could have, I hated myself more than any of them. I just couldn't take it anymore"

"What do you mean, you had dreams, and if anyone was going to make it you were Rachel. You were going to be a star, you still could for god sake" Why was Rachel so difficult, what had happened to the girl from a couple of years before with the belief and the determination "What made you want to throw that all the way? I died? Who cares you move on you go to New York and you Live! Live out all your dreams and happiness" Trying to talk sense into Rachel just gave Quinn déjà vu "Why would you give all that up, what could possibly be worth giving up everything for?"

"You have no idea what it was like for me after you were gone" she needed space Quinn was too close right now, she felt trapped. She didn't want to explain any more, it bought back the bad memories and it hurt too much "You just don't"

"You could have had everything Rachel!"

"But I couldn't have you!" Her hand was over her mouth but it was too late the words were already out there

Quinn was taken back, just stunned by those words. What did that even mean? "...What?" she asked after a pause.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that" she breathed before snatching her bag up, her sweater and running for it, makeup and contacts abandoned. She'd rather face anyone out there looking like this than another minute with Quinn who meant far too much to her

"What?" Quinn asked again to the empty room.

* * *

**Let me know what you think...**

**On another note, this might end up being 4 parts :/**


	3. Confessions

**Thanks for reviewing the previous chapter: FaberryBRA, xtreme, Whisperer21, RVFlorida, RachelBarbraBerry, Iza. G, Omni-Obiter, Alice, Ilianalovee, This chick 562, NZgleek91, nightcuddler, JOEBLACK, imaferrari Natty. S, LoveSKINS94, dolphindreams16 and summer1234**

**So this looks like it will be 4 or 5 parts now :/**

**As for the end of 'In the Flesh' the other week, anyone see it? No spoilers but, No! I knew we couldn't trust that bastard, things were going too well when he said he couldn't and he was like its fine, but it wasn't, he lied, what a bastard!**

**Anywho... here's the chapter**

**Posted: 13/4/13**

* * *

Confessions

When Rachel turned her car up onto the drive she saw both her dads were already home. She knew they still worried about her. After what she'd done and how she'd left them she couldn't blame them for being over protective. She shut the headlights off before they would see them shine into the house then parked behind Leroy's car and cut the engine.

She was really wishing she'd grabbed that compact of cover up off Quinn now. She'd already failed once and let Quinn see her like this; she really couldn't let her dads see her too. Quinn was the only one she knew who could accept it, everyone else would see her as a freak. Although Quinn would just see her as a freak too now, but for a different reason to everyone else.

Luckily the light in the sky was fading so hopefully she could make it to the front door without being seen so easily by any neighbours.

She slipped her still damp sweater on, just to cover her arms, her hair could help hide her face if she ran into anyone, and her hands would be tucked under her arms or under her bag so she was all set to finally leave her car.

She was halfway up the porch steps when she saw it. The letters 'PDS' were printed in green paint across the front door. It looked like a stencil and spray paint can had been used. The watery paint had dribbled down the dark wood door. They'd been marked.

It wasn't surprising really, there had been talk amongst the PDS sufferer's in the rehab facility, talk that more new laws would have to pass for them to coexist with the never dead outside. This had been one: all houses housing a PDS sufferer must be marked.

As carefully as she could she slipped her key in the lock and turned it slowly. When the lock clicked its release she silently opened the door and slipped inside. She immediately heard the two voices she'd grown up with, further inside the house. She couldn't help but listen, when the voices weren't calm or light like they usually were when she got home and they were already home

"Oh come on Hiram, they painted our door!"

"I don't care" she heard the taller father say, his voice only a little calmer than his husbands

"I do" Leroy yelled back

"We love Rachel"

Rachel's breathing hitched, she'd caused this argument, just like she imagined she'd cause so many before in the recent months.

"What? You think this is about Rachel?"

"That's why they marked our door"

"Oh god, no, no" he rushed to correct any misunderstanding, realising how it must have sounded "I just meant why did they have to put it on the door?" he sighed "We just had it varnished"

There was a pause, then Rachel heard her daddy chuckle at Leroy's dramatic reaction to the tiniest detail. "So you're not ashamed of her?"

Rachel just kept holding her breath, so afraid she'd hear the truth. For a moment she wondered if she'd ever find herself in a similar predicament to the one she was in months ago. Would things get so bad again?

Leroy's voice yelling in protest again broke Rachel from her worrying thoughts "No! Of course not! Why, are you?"

Hiram's reaction was similar to Leroy's "No, no definitely not. I could never... I still love her"

"I do too"

"I think we need to tell her these things more" the taller man told his husband. "You worried me then"

"I could never be ashamed of her" Leroy assured his husband

That was the second time today Rachel found herself beaming again. The first time was shortly after she saw Quinn again and they hugged, she went to her locker and in a private moment just let herself smile like a goof. Then the stupid mistake she made before she ran came back to her and she wasn't smiling anymore.

With that reminder she crept upstairs to clean up, reapply her makeup, and get another pair of contacts so she was perfectly presented.

...

Later at dinner, the three of them sat one end of the table eating another of Rachel's favourites. She mimed eating again to keep them happy. She felt guilty for what she put them through so was happy to comply to this behaviour. It was no big deal, just pretending to eat.

Rachel didn't want them knowing she heard them earlier, she also didn't want to bring up the painted door again. There had been one thing she wanted to bring up, something that had been niggling at the back of her mind since she came back to reality with the help of the injection, but bringing it up now would destroy their perfect family moment.

"Why did you bury me?" apparently her mouth was going to run away with her for a second time again. "I asked in that letter to be cremated... why bury me?" she then bowed her head to her uneaten food when they stopped eating and didn't answer "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked"

Leroy looked to Hiram, almost asking permission to speak about _it._ The other man nodded sadly letting his husband tell their daughter the truth "We just wanted a place to visit you"

"I see... sorry" She heard Leroy breath in, about to speak again. She didn't want them to assure her what she did was okay so she interrupted him "Do you still have the letter?"

"Yes" Hiram answered simply "Why wouldn't we still have it?"

"Its not exactly a nice thing, I don't get why you'd want to keep it" she explained as she bowed her head

"It was your final words and thoughts, Rachel. It was important to us, those things mattered"

"I want to destroy that letter, all the things in it are so stupid and juvenile" she spat with hate for her past actions. But Rachel was always a determined soul, if she wanted to do something she would just go right ahead and do it. Suicide isn't one she ever thought she'd consider though.

"You were hurt... heartbroken, devastated" Hiram tried to excuse for her, wanting his family to be happy again.

"Guilty. I'm always so selfish, I just hurt everyone... or get them killed" she grumbled "Please can I have the letter back?" she asked again.

Out of the corner of her contact glazed eye she saw Leroy lean forward to try and get her to look at him "... You should have talked to us, we could have helped"

She scoffed and leant away, back in her chair. She couldn't be lulled or lull them into a false sense of peace and happiness. They were broken because of her but they wouldn't admit it. "No you couldn't, how could you help, Quinn was dead that wasn't going to change" she felt like she should be crying, but she couldn't, she could feel the sadness, display it by screwing her face up but she couldn't produce tears. As for what she said, both her dads just raised an eye brow at her "Oh come on like I thought this could happen" she gestured to herself, referencing the resurrection.

There was silence again before Leroy asked, feeling now was as good a time as ever. "Why did you do it?" He ignored his husband who didn't want to know, not right now, not with emotions flying all over the place.

She shook her head sadly and tried to hold onto what she'd over heard earlier to remind her they loved her. "You're really asking me that? You read the letter. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed most mornings... so I made sure I'd never have to again"

"And what about what you wrote... is it all true?" he pushed a little more

"Every word" she whisper sighed

"So Finn?"

"I loved him" she assured them "But not as much as I should have" she flinched when Hiram made a move, scared he might actually express himself, loudly, and his disappointment. Well he had to be disappointed didn't he?

If he was he wasn't going to say. He just took her cold hand in his and stroked his thumb over her knuckles. It was the first time either of them had held her since the very first time at the hospital. Her cold body, not dead cold, but colder than a live person's, must have shocked them, seeing as she looked normal again if you didn't look too closely. She even put the hard wearing cover up on her hands so they weren't on show.

"Its okay" Hiram just whispered

No it wasn't

...

Quinn had spent most of the night staring at the ceiling trying to understand what Rachel meant. _"She couldn't have me?"_ she didn't want to misunderstand, it might just hurt... people, if she got the wrong picture... Rachel couldn't have meant... could she?

It had been a long restless night and right now she must have looked how she felt despite the makeup; half dead. She stared into the abyss that was her locker as she tried to wake up enough to walk to her next class. _'Can't go stumbling round like a zombie, someone might get the wrong idea'_ she chuckled inside her head then realised how dark it was to laugh at that.

She couldn't help it, most days she just felt so _alive_ and so happy to be living. Not like Rachel, they'd only been reunited nearly 24 hours and the girl always seemed so sad, that light in her eyes was gone... Quinn hoped it was just shielded from the world by the contacts and that it wasn't gone forever.

Thinking of Rachel, Quinn hadn't seen her yet, which royally sucked because it meant she didn't have the only person who was comfortable talking to her, to talk to.

As she looked up and down the hallway she realised that wasn't true... there was one other in this messed up school that could stand being close to her and would talk to her like she never left. "Brittany!" she called out when the blonde and her girlfriend passed Quinn by in the hall

"Oh hey Quinn" she smiled as she stopped and walked back to the PDS sufferer, dragging a not so happy Santana with her "I've got something for you" she let go of Santana's hand so she could swing her backpack off her shoulder and unzip it. She pulled out a blue sweater "You were cold when I hugged you yesterday I thought you might need this" she smiled as she offered Quinn the sweater

"Um, thanks Britt" Quinn took it awkwardly as she debated what to do; wear it and forever have Brittany believing she wasn't warm enough or try and tell her the truth "But its okay, I don't need warming up"

The girl boldly reached out and grabbed Quinn's hand "Yeah you are, its okay I have loads of sweaters you can have that one"

Quinn looked to Santana for help "Britt, I don't think Quinn can warm up, she's not like us, remember?" when Brittany just furrowed her brow at her girlfriend

Now it was Quinn's turn to help "I don't feel the cold Brittany and my body won't warm up as much as yours or San's, so I don't need a sweater to help keep me warm"

"Oh... you can keep it anyway" she smiled at her old leader

"Thanks" she accepted it, giving up. Now she could ask what she planned on asking in the first place "Have you guys seen Rachel yet?" they hadn't even had first lesson yet so Quinn wasn't hopeful.

"No" Santana asked bluntly for both of them "What do you care anyway? You should hate her" Santana grumbled as she folded her arms protectively

"Why would I hate her?" Quinn hated that anyone could assume she hated Rachel "She didn't do anything"

"Oh really?" the Latina raised a disbelieving eyebrow

"Look have you seen her or not" Quinn asked again, simply to dismiss where the other conversation was going.

"I already said no" Santana told her again

"Oh" Quinn said, her disappointment obvious even to Brittany "Damn" she seethed to herself

"What's wrong?" The blue eyed girl asked like any person would ask their friend.

She looked to the kinder of the two girls and just shrugged as she said "Just worried about her, she was upset yesterday after getting slushied. I just don't want her doing anything stupid"

Santana narrowed her eyes at the undead girl as she asked "Why would she do anything stupid she – oh my god" those eyes widened as realisation hit her "She did kill herself didn't she?" she asked lowly as she actually leant closer to Quinn

Now it was time for Quinn's fake eyes to widen too "Wait. You didn't know?" _'Oh great'_ Quinn thought to herself, she'd really put her foot in it now.

"No one knew, not even Finnocence. She just didn't show up one morning and Mr S is telling us she's dead" Santana kept her voice low for the sake of preventing the spread of gossip, gossip that really didn't need to be shared "Do you know why she did it?" of course that didn't mean Santana didn't still need to know.

"No, I don't" Quinn tried to keep innocent and nonchalant as she backed away.

"Bullshit" Santana sneered while Brittany looked half lost half concerned for whatever was happening right now.

"Well I don't know for sure" she tried to excuse _'Not entirely a lie'_ she noted in her head

"Oh come on Q, she did it for you right? If she topped herself then it had to be something to do with you" with a faint gasp to accompany Santana's accusation they realised Brittany had caught up on what they were talking about.

Quinn hesitated but couldn't fight it, or Santana "It might be something to do with me" _'lie'_ her head shouted... though was it really a lie, she didn't know for what reason Rachel had taken such drastic action; was it guilt for Quinn's death, was it the bullying had finally got to her from the years before, or was it something that had kept Quinn awake last night...

"No one blamed her for what happened to you" Santana suddenly said softly, a tone not well acquainted with the girl

"San" with just one word said in such an accusatory way Brittany was able to break the Latina further

"Okay I did" she admitted "but not to her face"

Quinn just shook her head dismissively "I think there's more to it than that. I just really want to talk to her"

"Maybe she just hasn't shown up because she's realised she hasn't got any friends anymore. I mean she was going to marry Frankenteen but he won't even speak to her. And the two gossip whores could get away fast enough when she tried to ask them to hang out with her, yesterday" Santana was full of opinions and ideas today "Not that I blame them" she muttered that extra bit uncensored

Brittany used the same trick as before but with an elbow to the ribs too "San"

"What?" she asked irritated. When her girlfriend nodded to the other blonde it was as if she suddenly remembered that Quinn wasn't the same anymore "Oh yeah right, sorry Q, I just... this whole thing is so messed up"

"You're telling me" Quinn chuckled "I missed you guys"

"You're the one who died, Q"

"I meant before that, before the drama, when we were... head bitch and deputy bitch... and Brittany" she looked to them each on turn making them smile just a little

"I miss that too" the blue eyed girl beamed, then turned to her girlfriend to encourage "Don't you too San?"

"Yeah I guess I do" the dark haired girl agreed.

"You wanna hang out some time?"

"Really?" Quinn raised a perfect eyebrow as she looked at Santana for her opinion on that idea. In this situation she couldn't imagine Santana saying yes to Brittany just to make her happy, even Brittany had a limit on how much she could manipulate Santana.

"Sure we could go to Breadsticks or..." Santana trailed off as she noticed Quinn cringed "what's wrong?"

"I can't eat... plus I'd kinda feel like a third wheel"

"Well maybe we could find something else to do" Santana suggested

"Is that a maybe like Kurt and Mercedes said to Rachel?" Quinn asked, just checking

"No, no... we'll figure something out" Santana smiled genuinely again. This was such a messed up situation, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't happy to see Quinn again... and maybe Rachel too, if she decided to turn up at school ever again.

...

Two days at school without the only other PDS sufferer at McKinley was hell. Two days without someone you care about, worrying about them was even worse.

Yes, Rachel was a no show the following day too. And two days was a long time to be left with so few words, and to be left to stew over them. At times Quinn was so certain of what Rachel meant when she yelled that she _'Couldn't have you'_ and them minutes later Quinn doubted herself.

Quinn sat in her room that Friday evening when she decided enough was enough. She had to go see Rachel, to make sure she was okay if she couldn't get anything else from her.

When Quinn got to Rachel's home she noticed the letters stamped on the front door in green. She sighed to herself, she really hoped they wouldn't pass that law, now there was no way to escape it. Quinn wouldn't be able to move away and pretend like everyone else wanted to.

Inside the Berry house the family of three were sat down to dinner. Rachel was miming eating as she'd done every other meal time with her father's since she'd returned home, she felt foolish for doing it but it made her dads happy, it let them pretend things were normal.

They were disturbed by the doorbell ringing.

"I'll get it" Leroy volunteered as he took the napkin off his lap and placed it on the table. He then calmly left the table and headed to the front door. He was more than a little shocked when he opened it and Quinn was standing there. No one had come to visit Rachel yet, and Quinn would surely be dealing with her own things right now so why would she be here. "Oh Quinn, what are you doing here?"

She shuffled nervously as she read the composed words from her mind "I just wanted to check in on Rachel... its kinda lonely at the PDS sufferer's meetings without her" she chuckled trying to lighten the mood. It was a lie mostly, it would have been lonely at the meetings if they'd even had their second one yet, but they were held every Wednesday lunch time, it was now only Friday. "I just wanted to see if she was okay"

"She's fine" Leroy nodded "we just wanted her to have some more time at home before she went back to school" They'd actually almost argued about it, but it was Rachel who insisted she needed more time before returning to school again

"Oh right... can I see her?" The blonde PDS sufferer asked calmly. She wanted to see Rachel fro herself, see if she could get her to talk.

"Oh sure, come in" he didn't look as comfortable as he sounded as he slowly backed out of the door way to let a second undead person into his house. Once Quinn was inside he shut the door and lead her to the dining room "We've just sat down to dinner, would you like to join us?"

"No thanks" What she saw next only confused her. As she stepped into the dining room she immediately noticed the plate of untouched food in front of Rachel, and the way the girl held her fork in her hand, ready as if she was going to eat it "We can't eat..." she said slowly as Leroy took his seat again and Quinn just hovered beside the family. Rachel wouldn't even look at her, her jaw just set firmly and her eyes down.

The fathers seemed to ignore the comment on not eating and how it was directed at Rachel. Instead Hiram spoke up "Would you like to sit?" he asked as he nodded to the seat near Quinn and next to his husband.

"Sure, thanks" she smiled at him and took the seat.

"Are you sure we can't interest you in anything to eat, or drink?" Leroy asked again.

"Oh no thanks" she continued to smile. She understood, they were making Rachel normal. Quinn never imagined Rachel's loving fathers would make their own daughter out of place, but here we are with her miming eating. If that's how they wanted to play it, Quinn was good at mind games, and good at breaking them too. "Like I said, our kind can't eat" she 'reminded' bluntly "The other day I was so desperate to just try chocolate again I ate a Hershey bar" she told them animatedly as they continued to eat awkwardly "I could actually taste it and I didn't throw up" she added proudly before cringing "I wasn't so lucky the other end" she managed to laugh lightly before muttering "Sorry, you're eating".

"Quinn what are you doing here?" Rachel seethed, unable to take the uncomfortable tension. She'd seen her fathers wince and look at one another as Quinn sternly told them about 'their kind'.

"I need to speak to you" Quinn replied calmly across the table between the fathers.

"There's nothing to say" she said as abruptly as she left the table. She added some dramatic, or childish if you prefer, behaviour by throwing the napkin down onto the table before she actually rushed from the room and up the stairs. Quinn was hot on her heals but not hot enough as she got to Rachel's room just after the brunette slammed the door and locked it.

"Please Rachel can't we just talk" she almost leant against the door and spoke into the frame on the edge of where the door closed, desperate to get closer and not really wanting to yell right now.

"Go away Quinn!" came the stern muffled reply from the other side of the door.

"Please... I need to talk to you" the sound of rushing footsteps behind her let Quinn know she wasn't alone "about what you said" she whispered harshly hoping Rachel could still hear her, but the two men joining the scene wouldn't.

"It was a mistake I shouldn't have been so stupid, please leave me to die of embarrassment" she heard Rachel yell again

"Sorry but I'm not going anywhere, not until we talk"

"There's nothing to talk about!" Rachel stressed again

"Please Rachel, just please I _need_ to know what you meant"

"Hiram I asked you to remove the lock from her door" Quinn heard Leroy scold his husband not far behind her.

"I'm sorry I meant to, it just slipped my mind with everything else that's been happening" the taller man tried to excuse though he still knew it wasn't good enough, he should have done as he was told.

"I don't even know why we replaced the old door with one with a lock anyway" Leroy exclaimed. The whole thing was making Quinn feel uneasy, she wanted to talk to Rachel alone, even if it was through a door. This was one audience neither girl wanted

"You wanted it to still match the rest of the doors" the taller man just reminded his husband

"Rachel come on, open the door" Quinn said a little more anxiously. If she was going to get Rachel to talk, or admit anything to the brunette, she didn't want it to be in front of the bickering fathers. "I'm confused, and I just really need to talk to you" she sighed. She didn't want to give up, but she knew Rachel was far more stubborn than her "I can't sleep, I already can't eat but if I could I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to right now either. I need to know what you meant the other day... Please open the door"

Finally Quinn heard the satisfying noise of the lock sliding open. The door was pulled open but Rachel remained hiding behind it. Quinn took the silence as an invitation inside away from Rachel's dads. Rachel shut the door behind them both and locked it again, not wanting any more intruders. Whatever had to be said was going to be tough enough, she didn't want her dads getting involved.

Quinn just stood in the middle of the room as Rachel stepped past her, towards her bed and sat on the far side with her back to Quinn "I'm sorry" was all she said

Quinn just shook her head to herself "Don't be sorry. For whatever you're apologising for just... you don't need to" she couldn't move, she just stared at her hands

"But I do Quinn. I'm so very sorry for everything" she finally faced her fears and the other girl by turning back to look at her "I destroyed everything, I messed _everything _up. I got you killed and I can say it a million times but I know 'I'm sorry' can't fix it-"

Quinn's eyes widened as she noticed something. Gray streaks down Rachel's cheeks, where the makeup had been stained... stained by Rachel's tears "Rachel are you crying?" she cut the girl off mid rambled apology

"I guess so" she whimpered, not really caring thought. Wasn't Quinn listening to her?

"I though we couldn't cry" Quinn muttered as she closed in, analysing the tear trails on Rachel's face

"I know... maybe if we're just like really, really emotional then we can" her eyes were focused on Quinn's as she closed in. "You're not listening though. I need you to know how sorry I am"

Quinn shook away her curiosity for a moment to concentrate on why she'd come here "Well then, I forgive you" she told Rachel as she cautiously sat maybe only a foot away from Rachel

"It's not that simple" Rachel sighed as she turned away, finding the floor was a better thing to look at.

"Rachel" Quinn said softly "I died with a lot of regrets... if this, resurrection, rebirth, whatever you want to call means anything to me, it's that I'm no going to hold onto regret, and I'm not going to hold onto a grudge. Life is too short" she explained gently "I don't hate you, or blame you for what happened"

"I don't think I can forgive myself though" Rachel muttered, with self hatred

"Yes you can... I'll help you"

Rachel broke down again at Quinn's words. She was half crying with no visible tears and half laughing "How do you do it? How can you care so much about other people, haven't you got enough to deal with already"

Quinn just shrugged "Like I said, I don't want to hold onto the bad parts in the past, I just want to start doing things right" she looked to Rachel who was still finding her new carpet far more interesting "You talked me out of a few bad decisions before, like telling on... Shelby and Puck. I wasn't able to talk you out of a bad decision though was I?"

"Well I didn't actually marry Finn" the brunette muttered

"Yeah I figured, there's no ring on your finger and the way he won't even l-... sorry I'll stop" Quinn finished with a whisper. Actually revisiting that part of their past was going to make her emotional.

"No you're right, if he and I had been more he might have reacted differently when I returned but no..." she said sadly "I messed everything up... just like I always do"

"No you don't mess everything up" Quinn tried to assure her but it was no use

"Yes I do" Rachel said a little more sternly "Like what I said in the bathroom the other day" she mumbled, knowing it was the subject Quinn was here for and not wanting to prolong the inevitable anymore.

"Please just tell me what you meant when you said you couldn't have me" Quinn asked, holding back how desperate she was for some clarity as she stared at the side of Rachel's head.

"Do I really have to spell it out?"

"Yes, I don't want to get the wrong idea"

"I liked you Quinn" the blonde noted the use of past tense "I liked you too much, more than a friend. But I knew being friends was almost impossible for us so I would never ever be anything more to you... I just would always wish"

Quinn let out a humourless exhale of a laugh. She thought back to finding out Rachel was dead, and then getting her back... was what she had felt how Rachel felt? She imagined if she'd been in Rachel's shoes and felt responsible for the other girls death, how would she react, how would she cope. She didn't have to imagine much though, she already blamed herself for the smaller girls death "I'm at school one day and all this just explodes, one minute we're almost awkward friends again and I'm trying so hard to make it better between us because I can feel the tension, the whole 'you blame yourself bit' and then you're telling me these things and I don't get it, how could you?" it wasn't an accusing tone but it was taken that way

"I'm sorry, so sorry" Rachel sounded like she was sobbing, proving the impossible again. Rachel needed to put distance between her and the blonde, she walked over other dresser and took the seat in front of it "It's the last thing I should have been thinking about after everything. It was just all too much, with the wedding and everything. I was standing in that room in that dress with Finn, and my dads and all the others, and my heart was racing I needed you to be there"

"What do you mean?" Quinn asked cautiously as she met Rachel's eyes through the reflection in the dresser mirror

Her jaw was set firmly as if she'd never speak, never humiliate herself with the diva dramatics of the past that were waiting to spill out, but Quinn's stern, waiting gaze broke her too quickly "If you'd been there and stood by, if you couldn't give me the only reason I shouldn't marry Finn that I wanted to hear, then I knew he was the best thing for me, and only one who could love me"

"That's so stupid"

"I know" she hoped now Quinn would realise just how and why she felt so guilty

"If I'd made it, I wouldn't have stopped the wedding. I wanted to knock so sense into you but I'd already failed when I tried before. I figured you really loved him and that was that... you were going to marry him. You're pretty determined Rachel, when you set your mind on something you just go ahead and do it"

"That's not true either... I would have ruined our friendship earlier, admitted things earlier and would have been a bigger joke"

"What makes you think it's ruined our friendship"

"I needed you there Quinn, so I'd know that the only way out didn't really exist, because you don't want me the way you do in my fantasies. So I waited and wanted... and then you were gone... you were never going to walk through the door and ever be anything to anyone again... And then this happens we're back and we can talk" Quinn saw it that time, a murky tear was squeezed from Rachel's eye and ran down her face "and instead of making things right I'm telling you _that_" she bowed her head, ashamed "when I should be on my knees begging for your forgiveness"

Quinn was up and by the hurt girls side, she didn't see things the way Rachel did, she was just so happy to be living... then again she didn't choose to die in the first place. She knelt next to the girl and took one of her cold hands in her equally cold one. But the equal temperature made the unnatural coldness of their skin unnoticeable. It was the first human touch they'd felt since rehab that felt real. "Rachel you really need to understand this" she said softly as she tried to get Rachel to look at her "I _don't_ blame you, you are _not_ the reason I died. There's so many factors, so many details, to what happened. I can't blame you, so stop blaming yourself!" Now wasn't the time for confessions, Rachel was already hurting, she couldn't be put through much more, Quinn wouldn't do that to her, they just needed to deal with one thing at a time

"I don't think I can" Rachel whimpered down at Quinn, her bottom lip trembled with her fear and sadness.

"You know I still don't get it? I've been horrible to you Rachel, how could you feel anything for me?" she smiled softly, trying to tell Rachel everything was okay.

"I just do" Rachel sniffed then looked down at her hand still enveloped in Quinn's "we started getting closer and so often I felt I was the only one you ever showed your vulnerability to, I was delusional that maybe I meant something to you too" she then pulled her hand away and turned round in her seat to scold herself in the mirror "I know, I'm such an idiot"

"Yeah you are..." Quinn chuckled, making Rachel automatically smile just a little "all that... and then you went and killed yourself over another stupid thing"

Well that certainly got Rachel looking at the blonde again "Quinn, you died, that's not stupid"

"Oh come on Rach, committing suicide because the school bitch made some stupid mistake-"

"You wouldn't have been texting if it wasn't for me, you probably wouldn't have even been in the car if it wasn't for me" she tried again desperately, then softened to add "And you're not a bitch, not really... I wish you'd been my everything" she uttered weakly, her eyes fluttering as she tried to hold back more impossible tears.

Maybe now was a good time, maybe waiting was another stupid thing "Rach-"

"I'm sorry. Don't say anything Quinn, please, I don't want to hear it. I already know what you're going to say and-"

"But-"

"No I get it, I even ruined my last chance at friendship with anyone at High school, lets face it no one else could accept me, not even as a friend, no one could love or even like what I am... an ugly, atrocity, a monster"

"Rach" Quinn tried again. Was that all Rachel thought, they were all just monsters... was the past tense used at the beginning of this strange messy conversation so deliberate, were her feelings in the past.

"Please just leave me, I just want to be alone" she sighed as she hid her face in her hands

Quinn was hesitant but she stood slowly "If I go, please don't do anything stupid" Rachel shot her gaze up to Quinn "Promise me" she said more sternly

Rachel was hurt that Quinn thought she'd ever do that again, especially after knowing what it had done to her dads last time "I won't do anything stupid"

"Okay... be careful Rachel" she uttered sadly as she left.

Rachel didn't want to hear it right now so Quinn didn't want to try and convince her of anything right now. Rachel was so adamant too, Quinn couldn't fight her when she was like that. She just hoped she'd keep to her promise and Quinn would be seeing her again soon.

...

When Quinn got home she noticed the green paint on the front of her house, they'd been marked too. But it wasn't sloppily across the door like at the Berry's house, it was straight and neat under the house number on the wall to the right of the door.

Quinn furrowed her brow, maybe Judy had complained when they came around to 'mark' them, and ordered the 'public servant' to keep it neat. She just sighed and unlocked the door letting herself inside.

As soon as the door closed she heard "Quinn is that you?" from further inside the house

It was a stupid question really, Russell didn't have keys to the house anymore and it wasn't like Quinn's sister would be visiting while Quinn was living there so "Yeah mom, it's me"

"Can you come in the living room please?"

"_Uh-oh, is Russell waiting with a shot gun"_ Quinn did wonder sometimes how long it would be before he saw her as an animal to be exterminated. Surely he was one of those self proclaimed soldiers, or exterminators of the rotten risers during those few hellish weeks after the rising. She imagined he was right there with the rest of them gunning down the latest abomination.

When... if he found out her next secret, she couldn't imagine what he'd do to her.

"Sure, be right in" she took a steadying breath and checked herself in the mirror by the front door before heading in the direction of her mother's voice. She was surprised when she didn't find Russell sitting there or standing by Judy "What's wrong?"

"Nothing" more surprises then "I just felt we should talk more"

"Okay" the blonde said slowly as she crept closer to her mom, afraid that one of these steps would lead her onto the trap door, and Russell was waiting somewhere with the lever to pull. She actually felt relief as she made it to the sofa opposite Judy and sat down "What do you want to talk about?"

"Um, well... how was your day?" simple enough question, she could handle that

"It was fine, nothing interesting really happened. Everyone is just the same as they always are" avoiding her for one reason or another. It used to be they parted like the red sea for her because of her school royalty, now it was so they didn't catch her disease... which wasn't even possible

"Okay, and how's Rachel?" okay, not such an easy question, how was she going to tackle that one

"She wasn't in today?"

"Oh is she okay... you guys don't get sick" Judy added cautiously. Quinn smiled and nodded, it meant Judy was trying, she'd thoroughly read that booklet then "So what's happened"

"She's fine really, healthy considering. Its just..." Quinn felt lost "Do you know why she killed herself?" did anyone know? Quinn didn't even know that Rachel's fathers knew.

Judy smiled sadly "We all figured it was guilt... well your father and I. I only heard from Leroy when we started talking recently... I don't even know if anyone else knew for sure what happened"

"They didn't... I accidentally let it slip to Santana and Brittany, I thought they knew" she muttered guiltily before she got that distant look in her contact covered eyes

"What's wrong Quinnie?"

"Rachel... she might have... ended her life" even with their resurrection talking about death wasn't easy "She might have done it because of guilt... but I don't think it was the biggest reason" she looked right at Judy to gauge her reaction when she'd tell her the next part. It would better prepare Quinn for when she'd have to tell Judy a little detail about herself "Rachel said she had feelings for me"

Judy seemed to lean forward anxiously "And?"

Okay that wasn't what she'd been expecting "And what?"

"What did you say when she said that?"

"Nothing" well nothing specifically tied to that "I comforted her and told her I didn't blame her for what happened to me, because I don't but... other than that I said nothing"

"Why?" Judy pushed again

"How could I say anything, what would I say to that, I'm not going to hurt her after everything she's already been through" Rachel wouldn't listen anyway she was too worked up

"So you didn't tell her?" Judy's eyes were bright, her tone extra inquisitive. If she'd looked sleepy Quinn would have thought she was drunk, but no, she was genuinely interested and seemed to be pushing at something

"Tell her what?"

"That you have feelings for her too" Judy said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What?" Quinn's jaw just hung open in shock. She'd been presented with a perfect opportunity but what to do. Should she deny it and deal with this another day or give in... "H-how did you know?"

Judy relaxed again, it was like she knew Quinn might deny what she'd accused, but she hadn't, she'd chosen to share instead "Well the way you worded it when you found out that Rachel decided to marry Finn, then the crying in your room at night, it only made sense"

"You heard me crying" Quinn asked meekly, Judy just nodded sadly "I could have been crying about Finn" she pointed out, not sure if she liked how her mom had just figured it all out so easily.

"No honey, you weren't. When you recited what you'd already told her to me you were pointing out his faults and her positives without him. I may not have been sober half the time but I still listened" all her words were laced with regret and guilt, but Quinn saw the hope in Judy's eyes, the older woman saw this as a second chance too "I'm sorry I haven't been a good mother, but I want to make it better between us"

This was so unexpected, the PDS sufferer should have been worried that this was a trap "I know you're scared of me, so why are you trying so hard all of a sudden?"

Judy swallowed thickly and sat up straight as she prepared her confession "I went to a help group today... group counselling and discussion to help people with family members with PDS. Only one meeting and I'm starting to understand better" she smiled mainly to herself but it was comforting for her daughter too "When I got home there was a man already at the door, with a stencil and a can of spray paint. He had a letter for me too, saying it was law to mark each home housing a PDS sufferer... I just felt so confident after that meeting that I took the spray paint can and the stencil and marked the house myself, nice and straight under the house number" she showed her left hand to Quinn, she'd managed to paint over her own fingers, just a few green flecks splattered over her finger tips "I'm so proud of you Quinn and I want you to know that"

Quinn scoffed "How can you be proud of me? I haven't done anything"

"At the meeting today, there was maybe 15 of us, and there were fearful negative comments... but not as many as there were positive. Something one person said stuck with me most, they said they were proud of their loved one, because they somehow found the strength to fight death" she had to control her breathing as she felt herself getting emotional "I'm proud of you for that, and because you keep going, okay its only been a couple of days but you already have the strength to face the outside world, and to put up with me"

"Mom-"

"No let me just say a bit more Quinn. I'm proud of you and not just for this, but before the accident, I never told you but I was proud of the person you were becoming. I was even proud of you when you came home with pink hair and a nose piercing" she chuckled making Quinn smile too at the memory "because you were standing up to what you thought was right. You weren't going to be me. And I'm proud of you now, you have enough to deal with and yet you have the strength to care more about someone else. Rachel is a very lucky girl and she doesn't even realise it yet" Quinn had to bow her head at that, right now she didn't honestly think she and Rachel had a chance "You've grown up so fast and so well, I know I wasn't responsible"

Her head shot back up "Mom, you had your own things to deal with, we can get better right?"

"Yes, we will" Judy agreed "We're lucky Quinn, we get another chance, I'm not going to mess it up this time" she then lowered her tone and cautiously added "And I really need to put that taser away"

Quinn laughed lightly that time "And maybe stop shaking when you give me the injection. I may be dead but that thing still kills" she joked

"I'll learn to do that properly, don't worry" Judy assured her, never wanting to bring anymore pain to her youngest daughter who she already lost too many times. "So what about you and Rachel, are you going to tell her?"

"I don't know" the mood turned its tune again "She sees herself, a PDS sufferer, as a monster... and she said she liked me, emphasis on the past tense"

"Quinn" Judy got up, crossed the room and sat down next to her daughter "She took drastic action because she lost you... I don't think she'd change her mind that quickly"

"Really?" Quinn asked hopeful. It was nice to have a second opinion to compare to the voices in her head.

"Yes, I can't imagine her feeling were only at 'like' level if she went that far" Judy reassured her a little more "How do you feel about her?"

"I..." Quinn bit her lip to suppress a stupid grin "I don't know what it is about her, she just- I don't get it myself but sometimes I didn't know if I want to slap her or hug her, she gets under my skin and" she let out a happy sigh "somehow I'm completely enamoured by her" the happy expression on her face faded to anxiety "I have to tell her" she said abruptly

"Quinn, It's late, and you already spoke to her today, give her a chance to rest and let everything settle"

"So" she stood up and started toward the living room door, Judy following closely behind "I have to go right now, what if she does something stupid" she reached for her coat when Judy gently grabbed her wrist to calm and still her

"She won't" the mother assured her returned daughter

"How would you know?"

Judy just smiled softly as she said "Because you're alive"

* * *

**Sorry it took a while to get this next chapter done, it just keep thinking of things to add to this fic :/  
Let me know what you think...**


	4. Remembering

**Thanks for reviewing: Whisperer21, RVFlorida, FaberryBRA**(I think that was my first ever review in another language, thanks... obrigada (sorry if I just offended you))**, Guest, Musicfutbolfan6, NZgleek91, Alessa, RachelBarbraBerry, Stuckinherdaydreams, sapphirous, lemon-rind, Natty. S, IloveDiannaAgron, LoveSKINS94, awesomestgleek and WankySnixx2124.**

**Posted: 17/4/13**

* * *

Remembering

_Here Lies  
Rachel Berry  
18__th__December 1994  
8__th__of March 2012_

Quinn stood in front of the sunken grave, disappointed that this was all Rachel was left with. Of course there was the gold star above her name but is this all the loving fathers left for her? Didn't Rachel even ask for some sort of Epitaph? She imagined the dramatic girl would have it all planned out, some wonderful words to leave everyone with, but no... just the dates and her name.

Surely Rachel had left a letter, she wouldn't have just ended everything so silently, that wasn't Rachel Berry.

The grave yard itself had been closed, with barbed wire round the fences and police tape everywhere, even round the grave in front of her. The big 'Do not enter' sign had gone ignored by Quinn too as she pushed the chained gate open as far as she could and squeezed through the gap to get here.

The ground in front of her was torn and open, the hole was dark but Quinn knew it lead to the coffin Rachel would have woken in. She began to wonder if Rachel was afraid of the dark too, and afraid of confined spaces.

It was all so stupid really, but Quinn had been too afraid to walk into her own closet the first few days since she'd got back.

She didn't plan on staying here long, she just wanted to feel closer to Rachel, to see it for real that the girl had fought her way out of a box in the ground just like she had. It didn't really help though, Rachel wasn't admitting to having problems with dealing with that part of the rising, she was having trouble with simply living again.

PDS. Partially Deceased Syndrome. It didn't make sense to call it that really, its not like they were dying, that they were decaying while living, it wasn't leprosy. They had died and come back. Many theories had been created in the short amount of time since the rising as to why it happened; an act of God, bacteria, toxic chemicals. None had been proven though.

Quinn wondered if Rachel didn't remember that part, the hunting and eating. Maybe she'd been lucky, maybe she didn't remember. Quinn however had flashbacks, often. Insomnia, vivid dreams, involuntary recurrent memories, lethargy, depression, panic attacks, fever, convulsions, nausea. These were all side effects from the Neurotriptyline. Not everyone got the side effect but the vivid dreams and involuntary recurrent memories, Quinn got those.

Some, most, who did get the recurrent memories got them based towards the end of their 'Zombie mode' or 'rabid' time, but Quinn could remember the beginning. The panic and terror... come on it had to be every persons night mare to wake in a box underground. If those rabid instincts hadn't kicked in Quinn wasn't sure she could have got out.

But when the animalistic hunger flared inside her, she lost fear of hurting herself and broke free. She remembered as the dirt poured in and she had to keep fighting before she suffocated. She remembered when she took that first breath of clean air, she remembered as she dragged herself out of her hole and struggled to stand up. She remembered as her left leg gave a little under her weight, she could feel the broken bones moving, but no pain. She remembered seeing others round the grave yard in the moon light. She followed them to the dark woods next to the grave yard. She remembered as they broke down into smaller groups as they started their hunt...

Quinn shivered "That's enough of that" she whispered to herself. She turned away from Rachel's grave and made her leave. Now it was time to face the girl herself.

...

When Quinn got to Rachel's Leroy was hesitant to let her in, he said something about Rachel never left her room after Quinn left the night before and that she seemed upset. It didn't take a genius to see that he was annoyed, or just unhappy at the blonde and blamed her for the mood his precious daughter was in. It was Hiram who let her through though. Something in the taller mans eyes told Quinn he held hope that she could make Rachel better... well that _was_ the plan.

When she got to Rachel's room, she noticed scratches in the door under the door handle, probably made by a screwdriver because the lock was now missing, there was a small hole below the handle were it had once been.

She cautiously pushed the door open, ready for Rachel to just tell her to leave, but when she looked round the room she found no one there. She wondered if Rachel was maybe in her closet so she started toward the far side of the room, ready to peer inside, not thinking about what she might see when she did. But she didn't get that far, she stopped abruptly when she found Rachel, under her bed sheets on the floor next to the bed... that explains why there were no pillows or bedding on the bed then.

"Rachel?" stupid question really, who else would be sleeping in Rachel's room right now. It was just a shock finding her on the floor, and still asleep at 10 am.

The tiny girl flinched awake at the sound of someone saying her name. She rolled over and looked towards her feet to find some sort of cruel joke staring down at her... the same angel she wished she'd been greeted with when she'd made that final decision. "Quinn?" she groaned "What are you doing here?" She sat up and bowed her head to hide her undisguised face.

"Your dads let me in... we still need to talk" she just watched Rachel try and hide, hating that Rachel she felt she needed to round her. Quinn most likely now knew more about her then most people. And Quinn didn't care about what Rachel looked like under the makeup and contacts

"We already talked Quinn" she sighed as she flipped the bed sheets off of her, revealing her traditional style flannel pyjamas, and got up off the floor. Quinn couldn't help but think Rachel's hair in plats was as adorable as those pyjamas.

"Yeah I know" Quinn told her as the girl just walked past her and through the open bedroom door "but I didn't get to say everything I wanted to- why were you laying on the floor?" she interrupted herself to ask, realising it was weird that Rachel was sleeping there

Rachel paused at her door and kept her head bowed as she mumbled the obvious "That's where I sleep" she then continued to the door opposite her room and into the bathroom so she could brush her teeth. She didn't bother closing the door, well it wasn't like she was going to end anything.

"What about the bed?" Quinn asked the obvious

Quinn just saw Rachel pause at the sink, yellow tooth brush in hand "I can't" she looked away from the sink and cautiously stretched her gaze back to the bed in the middle of the opposite room, next to her unwanted house guest "That's where... it ended" she swallowed thickly before turning away again to actually brush her teeth.

"Oh..." Quinn murmured to herself as she looked back to the bed too. Now it wasn't just a piece of furniture, it was as meaningful as the coffin Rachel would have woken up in. It was her ending, just like the car was for Quinn. Other than when they bought her home Quinn hadn't got in a car again. She'd been on a lot of drugs when she left the rehab facility so that must have helped keep her calm for that drive home. She didn't know if she'd be able to drive again... so she could half understand why Rachel couldn't bring herself to sleep on the bed.

"It seemed fitting, putting myself to sleep... permanently" Rachel's voice woke her from her own worry and fears as the brunette came back into the room, this time avoiding looking at the bed and heading straight for her dresser to apply the makeup. "Why are you here?"

"You don't need to do that" Quinn ignored the question to assured her of her image instead "it's me; I don't care what you look like"

"Well I do" Rachel said more sternly that her guest and continued her new morning routine.

"You can't hide forever, you know" The blonde told the other girl softly "In this room" she added quickly, making herself clear. She could understand the disguise for in front of the others.

"Who says I'm hiding?" Rachel asked, keeping calm and nonchalant. She also kept her posture perfect as she covered every bit of visible skin on her face and neck.

"Well we don't get sick. And you were dead like just over a week before the rising so its not like you're falling apart" she half joked. No one who she met who had risen was actually falling apart... there was one girl with a neck brace. She'd taken drugs, thought she could fly, broke her neck, that's how she died, so that's why she now needed the neck brace to keep her head up right... Quinn grimaced in her head, she was lucky in comparison. She had some stitching to her face and more with metal plating for her leg but she looked fine on the outside and didn't walk with a limp, and she wasn't in any discomfort "I can't think of any other reason you'd stay home"

"I can think of many reasons for me to want to stay here... where its safe" she kept her tone firm, she wouldn't break down this time. Rachel felt like a fool for the way she acted the night before in front of the blonde. She was normally so strong in front of her school mates. She only allowed herself to break down when she was alone.

Quinn knew Rachel couldn't stay in this room, or even this house for ever, the world definitely needed Rachel Berry to brighten its day... at least that's how Quinn felt.

The blonde then remembered she had something for Rachel in the pocket of her orange coat "Here" she passed a tube of lipstick to the other girl. Rachel looked at her through the mirror confused "I don't know why we didn't think of it before, but it covers the greying of the lips better than that 'all in one' stuff they gave us, take it" she encouraged, pushing it closer towards Rachel.

The smaller girl actually looked up at Quinn, for real, not her reflection and cautiously took the lipstick tube "Thank you"

"It's nothing really" Quinn waved off as she stepped back and took a seat at the end of Rachel's bed "I bought it ages ago but never used it... wasn't quite my colour, might look good on you"

"Still, thank you, it's appreciated" she stood the lipstick next to her compact and grabbed the box with the contact lenses in it to take out a fresh pair.

"Are you coming back to school?" Quinn asked, trying to find something easier to talk about. Anything was easier than what had her heart racing like crazy at the moment. She just needed the perfect moment to say it, a moment when Rachel might actually listen and hear her.

"What's the point? Finn won't talk to me" she carefully put the contacts in one at a time, blinking after each one to make sure it settled and felt right. "Mercedes and Kurt avoid me and the only person who might understand what I'm going through, I've alienated"

Quinn scoffed "You've hardly alienated me if I'm right here" she chuckled

Rachel wasn't laughing though, she turned abruptly in her seat and held onto the back of her chair with pale hands "What do you want Quinn?"

"We didn't get to finish talking yesterday" she answered timidly

"You really think there's more to say?"

"You talked about how you felt" she let out a long soothing breath "now its my turn"

Rachel just furrowed her brow "Quinn?"

"Just let me..." she said not too sternly but stern enough to make her point, she didn't want to be interrupted. If Rachel continuously interrupted her she didn't know if she'd make it through what she needed to say. The brunette kept her lips sealed tightly and nodded to allow Quinn some freedom of speech "When I found out you had died, I wanted to know what kind of sick joke was this... that I'd risen and not been gunned down in those few weeks, got through the rehab, and I was now back home with this second chance... And you weren't here. Some second chance, I thought" she huffed humourlessly "What's the point in having another chance if the only person you want to live for is dead... and not been found, so they remain dead" now she realised how Rachel could cry, when you got this deep those tears couldn't help but try to gather "Do you have any idea how alone I felt?"

"Do you have any idea how it feels to know that the only person who was ever able to stir such amazing emotion in you, and not just sad or happy but all of them in a wonderful euphoric mix, that that person is dead, you're never going to see her again and it's all your fault. Do you know how that feels?" she retorted with the same tear welling emotion in her squeaky voice

Quinn noted already that being subtle, trying to tell Rachel she was the only one that mattered to her, wasn't going to work.

"That's exactly how I felt. What? You think I didn't question why you ended your life?" she leant forward, looking Rachel straight in the eye, almost glaring at her for not seeming to understand that she shared those feeling too "I blamed myself, I thought maybe all the things I'd done, the tormenting had pushed you. And then I wondered had you blamed yourself for what happened to me maybe that pushed you that last little bit. I hated myself for those days. And when I saw you at school, oh my god I've never known relief like that before" she sighed with a small smile "And then last night I was so worried, so afraid something might happen to you..."

Rachel looked guilty yet again, she turned away, not able to look Quinn int eh eye as all those horrible feelings came back "You really think I'd do that Quinn, no. I'm stuck here now, cursed and scared, afraid to take my life again for fear of what it would do to my dads. All I can do now is live for their sakes"

"No" Quinn shook her head "What we are, what we've been given... its a gift, not a curse" she got up and took the same place she had the evening before, on her knees by Rachel's side "We get another chance, to become who we want to be, and to live in happiness with a new outlook and respect for life, with new passion" she wanted to hold Rachel's hand again. The voice inside her head told her to be brave, so she just reached out and just took Rachel's right hand "Look at us, life was taken away unfairly-"

"I chose" Rachel squeaked, not expecting her voice to sound like that.

Quinn could only smile softly at Rachel's vulnerability. Rachel had always been the bravest person she knew, but it was Quinn who needed to be strong, for both of them now "But its not a drastic choice you would have made if... if what happened-"

"I chose because I got you killed. No matter what you say I killed both of us"

"But we're here again" she whispered, she couldn't help it when she reached out and tucked a loose strand of Rachel's hair behind her ear, making the girl flinch at the contact before bowing her head as if to hide a blush... maybe she could feel herself blushing but you couldn't see it. Quinn just smiled at her shyness and for a moment wondered if they could work this out... she knew she'd do her best to be strong enough for both of them "we don't need to dwell on it. We've been given a beautiful miracle, an amazing gift, a one shot deal, whatever you want to call it. God knows why but we have, so stop going on about what happened, just leave it behind and lets figure the rest out together"

"How comes you're so positive, so full of life?" had she really not heard the end of Quinn's last sentence. Maybe she couldn't accept that Quinn reciprocating anything was plausible.

"Life was taken so quickly, I didn't even get to really understand what was happening. All the lights just went out... I was sitting in that car, slumped against the steering wheel... my insides burning, the blood dripping down the side of my head... the bone sticking out of my leg"

She slid her hand out of Quinn's and got out of her seat. She didn't see Quinn's face drop at the way Rachel had just left her there. Maybe she really did mean those feelings as past feelings when she used the past tense "You remember?" Rachel muttered as she gathered up her bed sheet and put them back on the bed. "They said you died on impact" She must have wanted to distract herself from what they were really talking about, at least that's what the blonde PDS sufferer hoped. Quinn only watched her struggle with the sheet for a moment before she got off her knees and went to the opposite side of the bed to help her make it.

"Well I didn't go straight away" no, she didn't die immediately, but she's glad any medical personnel had told her loved ones that, it was better them thinking about the truth. With Rachel though, she felt she should share, because she remembered what she thought about in those final breaths "And yeah, I remember. It started coming back to me, in flashes, when they started me on the Neurotriptyline" she shivered, she always did when she thought of the sharp daily jab she got in the back of the neck "I must have died within a few minutes, I just felt the air all leave my lungs, my vision fade and that was it... next thing I know I'm trapped in a box underground, panicking like hell"

Rachel froze with one of her pillows in her hands "My last thoughts were about you" she peered up cautiously from the pristine white cotton covered pillow and apologise "Sorry, I shouldn't say things like that"

"No tell me" Quinn encouraged.

She bit her lip and held the pillow tight to her front as if she was hiding behind it "They were just about you, my regrets, the pain of your... passing. Then relief as I felt everything fade away. I felt I could finally be at peace with myself"

"... My last thoughts had you in them too" Quinn admitted

"Really?" Rachel asked, with surprise and shiny eyes.

"Yeah... like how I really hoped my car accident could stop your wedding" she huffed humourlessly

"It did" The brunette offered timidly

"I guessed" Quinn just nodded

"...What else do you remember?" Rachel asked cautiously as she sat on the edge of the bed

"Um, the physical pain..." Quinn did the same, sitting on the bed too, opposite Rachel. The way she spoke about the topic was so relaxed. Not like she was revisiting it but just trying to share her experience "it's funny half the things running through my head in that last minute probably didn't register at the time, but I remember it now" she smiled sadly. Well it wasn't everyday a person could analyse their own death. "What I really remember was the regret"

Regret for what? She could see Rachel was intrigued "You felt regret too? For what?"

She gazed across space between them into those false brown eyes. Quinn remembered being able to choose the coloured contacts herself, the doctors recommended they try to match their original colour. Quinn wasn't sure how close hers were to her old eye colour but she could tell Rachel had got it spot on "I didn't come back so I could finish high school, or so we could win nationals, or so I could settle down and be the perfect housewife to a Christian man"

"We don't know why we came back Quinn" Rachel sighed. She wished they did know though, was it a punishment?

"I know... but I'm pretty sure it wasn't so I could return to what I had before. For me, the reason my heart still beats and my lungs still breathe... is you Rachel. You're the only thing that could wake me from the grave"

Rachel's eyes started darting to everywhere except Quinn "I-I don't understand" The blonde girl imagined Rachel felt like she did when Rachel said 'she couldn't have her'. Maybe she didn't want to get her hopes up.

"I'm gay Rachel... I can admit it now because I'm dead too and in comparison being gay doesn't seem so scary anymore" she laughed lightly "And what really doesn't scare me anymore is that... I love you Rachel, I don't know how or when it happened exactly, but I do"

"You do?" Rachel looked at her with such sad cautious eyes.

Quinn ducked her head shyly, she'd got the words out there, now she could relax... and wait for a reaction "I should have just told you months ago, how much easier would that have been?"

"Too easy, I wouldn't have believed you" Rachel couldn't help herself and the doubt she felt. Her heart, she could feeling beating wildly, but with this Rachel there was always doubt.

"And now?" Quinn was feeling that doubt too. _"I just said I love you Rachel, say something to do with that"_ her mind screamed, and now she was thinking of one of those not sure if she wanted to slap her or hug her moments to snap her out of this mood, it wasn't the real Rachel, it was like some annoying Emo kid... in red flannel pyjamas with platted hair.

"Do you really mean it?"

"_No it was a joke"_Quinn answered sarcastically in her head

"I wouldn't want you saying these things because you're worried I might take things too far again and just end it. I don't want you thinking you can say these things just to stop me because you're worried I might do something stupid. I don't want to burden you" she rambled in her old Rachel Berry way, almost making Quinn grin, if the thoughts behind her words weren't so sad and self pitying.

"Don't think like that, I wouldn't do that, that wouldn't be right" god the idea of Rachel going that far again make Quinn want to puke black sludge everywhere "And you better never do that again Rachel... because I'm as stupid as you, I'll be right behind you if you dare do. I couldn't re-live without you"

Rachel could feel herself welling up again as she just stared at Quinn. As if trying to come up with an excuse another reason to put Quinn and her words down

"Rachel, help me out here, I'm pouring my heart out" she breathed unsteadily

She was usually so full of words but this time all she could do was all she wanted to do, all that her mind was screaming to do. She leant forward, reached out and slipped her hand round the back of Quinn's neck and pulled her closer roughly. She closed her eyes, afraid she was pushing too fast before she pressed her lips against the other girls. She heard Quinn breath in sharply through her nose before she relaxed and pushed a little more against Rachel's lips as she started to caress them with her own. Was it weird to say Quinn's lips felt warm? Maybe it was because they both had low body temperatures, but comparing to one another it felt right. She pulled back breathing heavily and disappointing both the teenage PDS sufferers "Uh, sorry I just-"

"Mm, its fine" Quinn mumbled quickly before reattaching her lips to Rachel's. She pushed the smaller girl onto her back on the bed and continued to attack Rachel with kisses.

"Mm, Quinn?" Rachel asked between kisses.

"Yeah?" the taller girl mumbled, her lips grazing against Rachel's.

"I love you too" That got Quinn to pull away for a moment and look down into shiny brown eyes "too much" she added. This time Quinn really could grin like a fool as Rachel looped her hands back round the back of Quinn's neck and pulled her back down to her waiting lips.

* * *

**Okay so I'm not sure how long this fic is going to be any more, couple more chapters at least. I just keep thinking of more things to include :/**

**Let me know what you think...**


	5. Truth

**Thanks for reviewing the previous chapter: Valerii. FaberryFan, summer1234, FaberryBRA, Musicfutbolfan6, Whisperer21, Guest, NZgleek91, sollieus, LoveSKINS94, iloveDiannaAgron, J0EBLACK, lemon-rind, mythic-lionheart, Natty. S and Sayitwithyourhands.**

**Posted: 28/4/13**

Truth

Rachel was laying on her bed, actually _laying_ and she didn't even realise. All her attention was on the beautiful face in front of her. Quinn was mirroring her, smiling softly as they both just relaxed and enjoyed the calm moment. Quinn was more confident than Rachel though, once the brunette realised just how much Quinn was watching her she felt vulnerable.

Quinn must have seen, or sensed it because she uttered softly "You're still beautiful"

"No I'm not... the make up the contacts they help, but I'm not" she shook her head as she let her eyes drift shut.

"No you are" Quinn reached across the space between them gently cupped the side of Rachel's face making her open her eyes again "with or without the cover up" which was currently smudged, worn away, the real colour of her skin coming through in patches after their vigorous little make out session.

"You don't really mean that" Rachel breathed shakily

"No I really do" Quinn shuffled forward, bringing her body closer to Rachel's on the bed, her hand still on Rachel's face, her thumb stroking her cheek delicately.

"I'm hideous Quinn"

Quinn bought their lips together again, she could definitely get used to all the feelings that washed over her at such simple contact "Don't say things like that, I'm allowed an opinion too you know, and I think you're beautiful" She whispered "You always have been"

"No I'm not, I was nothing compared to you" Rachel rolled over, swinging her legs off the side of the bed and got up, putting space between them. Space neither wanted but Rachel needed right now.

Quinn wondered for a moment how much of that short sentence was past tense. Did Rachel only think that of Quinn before the rising, before her death even? What did she see now? Her only option? She saw Finn as that too, her only option, the only one who could ever love her, and look how far she was going to take that- No! Quinn couldn't think like that.

Rachel caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror of her dresser "Oh god, you can see my skin" she ran her hand over one of her cheeks as if she could smudge the remaining make up over the grey skin. She quickly realised she'd just have to reapply it.

Quinn sat up on the bed and sighed "It doesn't matter Rach" She looked at herself in the mirror too, although from a further distance. Even so she could still see her cover up was smudged

"But I look-"

"Don't say things like that. You look absolutely fine" Quinn cut her off, hating all this negativity.

Rachel just dropped herself on the chair in front of the dresser. She picked up the heavy duty foundation and scoffed "So much for this stuff being weather proof"

Quinn got up off the bed and walked round so she could sit on the end, just behind Rachel "Yeah but it never said 'heavy make out session' proof" she smirked at the other girl through the mirror

"Quinn!" Rachel squeaked with embarrassment

"What it doesn't... does it?" she quirked a mischievous eyebrow

"No" Rachel muttered shyly, avoiding eye contact through the mirror. "Do you want to borrow mine?" she offered the compact to the girl behind her

"It's okay, I've got mine" she nodded to her coat that had been removed dropped to the floor shortly after they got carried away. "Yours is a little darker than mine any way" so it would match their original skin tone. Rachel just nodded silently in understanding before she started reapplying the makeup, hiding every tiny bit of cold skin. She chanced a glance at Quinn who was just sitting... and looking. Rachel thought she saw the blonde look her up and down

"A-Are you checking me out?" she hated herself for stuttering but she didn't want to assume anything.

"Might be" Quinn smirked, she just couldn't help it, she was so happy and feeling so confidence "Nice Jammies by the way" she commented on the classic style red flannel pyjamas Rachel was still wearing

"Quinn!" she squeaked again just like she did before... she then furrowed her brow. She finished with the makeup and put it away before she asked "...Did you just say Jammies?"

"I guess I did" she chuckled. Her face dropped when she thought about more serious things... although there could have been more serious things to consider in life after death right now. "So how is this going to work, I mean here at school and-"

"I thinks its better If we keep this a secret" Rachel answered quickly, setting her jaw firmly when she finished. Also her posture, Quinn noted, was perfect... but almost like she was on the edge nervous.

Meanwhile the blonde couldn't help but admit she was disappointed. She felt like there was no time to waste now "Oh right... Finn?"

"Not just him, everyone" Rachel decided she had to be brave and actually look at Quinn, not the perfect moving picture of her through the mirror. She turned in her seat and looked the girl she loved in the eye as she said words that she knew would only inflict more disappointment on Quinn's perfect make up smeared face "They're dealing with two PDS sufferers, it would be easier for us if we weren't... out, as well"

"Maybe you need to talk to Finn first... you haven't had closure" Quinn suggested

"He was here this morning... before you got here" Rachel muttered vulnerably.

"I thought you'd been sleeping all morning" Quinn muttered

"I have to be up by 8 am everyday for my dads to administer the Neurotriptyline" Rachel explained, which just made Quinn feel absent minded for not thinking about that, of course she'd got her own dose that morning but... maybe she was just feeling more human recently.

"What did he say?"

Rachel shrugged, as if trying to make it not matter... only of course it mattered "... He hates me. He called me cold" she huffed humourlessly "and he couldn't understand how I could put him through everything if what we were didn't mean anything" she screwed up her face in self disgust

"You told him he didn't mean anything?" If that was the case no wonder he called her cold, not that Quinn felt the same way, Rachel was still a ray of sunshine for her.

"No, no that would be a lie anyway" Rachel rushed out, wanting to make herself clear. The organ beating in her chest might have been rotten but that didn't mean she was heartless "Of course he meant something, he just he won't believe me because I didn't go see him, I didn't find him the moment I got back. Honestly I was just too afraid"

Quinn stood up and pulled Rachel up out of her chair so she could hug her, hold her close "Hey it's okay" she hushed, fearing Rachel would cry and mess up her makeup yet again.

Rachel pulled back abruptly, tearing herself away from where she really wanted to be, but didn't feel she deserved to be "No Quinn, he's right, I _am_ cold, I even hate myself, even more than I did before. Why are we even thinking about this? You're better off without me... everyone is"

"Don't say things like that!" she grabbed Rachel's wrist and yanked the girl back into her arms "You scare me when you do" She didn't want Finn undoing all the progress she'd just made, she couldn't let Rachel back track. "You did it before you might do it again"

"I can't do it again, I wouldn't even know how to" She muttered against Quinn's shoulder. Quinn's heart clenched, did that mean Rachel had tried? She noted to herself to check for new scars, open wounds that weren't healing, or healing very slowly. It was still unclear on whether they could actually heal or not "that would make me even more selfish. I can't do that to my dads"

"Why would you care if you hurt people? You'd be dead" she tested but still didn't let go of the other girl.

"That's what I thought the first time" she mumbled "But no, I'm still here" she scoffed "And this time I worry I might actually somehow hurt the only person I couldn't last time" now it was Rachel who was doing the testing.

"Of course you'd hurt me, you'd kill me"

"I won't do anything I promise" she smiled. She was too happy in this moment, in Quinn's arms to imagine doing anything like that again. She pulled back to look into Quinn's eyes "Is it okay if we're not out yet"

"It's fine" Quinn smiled "As long as you're mine, and I'm yours and we both know it"

"Thank you" Rachel said softly

"I better head home soon, my mom wanted to spend some time bonding this weekend and I abandoned her pretty early" Quinn said regretfully as she pulled away fully so she could check and fix her appearance before venturing out onto the streets.

"Can I call you later?" Rachel asked as she bounced on the balls of her feet.

"Well I haven't got a new cell yet" Russell had tried to make Quinn's passing easier for Judy by quickly getting rid of her replaceables. When Quinn had got home all her used cosmetics, half her wardrobe and her cell had been thrown out. At least she still had her laptop, there was so much of her past on that that she couldn't replace, like photographs, and happy memories "but sure, do you have my home number?"

"Oh... what if your mom answers?" Rachel worried her bottom lip between her teeth.

"She'll probably attack you with questions I would have already answered" Quinn chuckled as she picked her coat up from the floor and took her cover up out so she could apply some freshly to her still streaky face. She slung the coat over the corner of Rachel's bed

Rachel didn't really hear the chuckle she was too worried for Quinn right now "... Do we need to get a story set then, a PDS sufferer's project or something?"

"What?" Quinn looked away from the mirror and back to the other girl "Oh, no its not like that. She knows" she smiled

"She knows?" Rachel repeated as a question, and with an adorably furrowed brow

"Yep, that's what I said" Quinn still smiled, mostly at her own mothers reaction last night "She knows how I feel about you and she knows what you told me yesterday. When I got home yesterday we talked... it was nice. And after she had to stop me from coming straight back here, late in the night, to tell you how I feel" she then realised this was all so one sided, and Rachel didn't want to be out "Are you okay with her knowing?"

"Just surprised she seems okay about it" Rachel said with the same surprise in her tone.

"She feels the same way as me, I've already been through so much, and like I already said: with what I am now, being gay isn't such a big deal" she finished applying her makeup, stood up and put the compact back in her coat pocket.

"Do you really think this can all work out for us?" the brunette asked shyly as she watched Quinn put her coat on.

"If the way it felt when we kiss is anything to go by, I'd say this is going to work out really well" she grinned as she cradled one side of Rachel's face , and gently stroked Rachel's cheek with her thumb.

Rachel just smiled dumbly, she never imagined life could feel so good again. She stretched onto her tippy toes, as Quinn bowed down teasingly slow, to meet her half way for another slow kiss

...

Both Rachel's fathers were in the kitchen when they heard footsteps come down the stairs, then murmured voices a pause and the front door opening and closing.

There was another pause before their daughter _skipped_ her way into the kitchen, still in her pyjamas and her hair in plats, and smiled at both of them. She walked over to the cupboard and grabbed a glass. She placed it on the side while she went to the fridge to get a the carton of juice

"What's got you in such a good mood?" Hiram asked, finding her smile infectious

"Just Quinn" she turned back round to them, with the glass of juice and leant against the kitchen counter behind her.

"Everything okay?" Leroy asked, imagining it must be if she was looking so lively right now

She nodded "She told me she loves me" she grinned before taking a sip on the orange liquid.

As soon as the orange juice hit her tongue she remembered something... she can't consume anything! She rushed to the sink to spit it out so it wouldn't upset her insides. Once her mouth was empty, she actually laughed at her own stupidity. Being with Quinn today, even with its ups and downs had made her feel the most alive she had felt since she woke up from her final resting place.

...

When Quinn stepped through her door her happiness quickly faded.

She could hear raised voices, voices in a capacity she'd heard before. Russell and Judy didn't fight often, it wasn't often Judy had been strong enough but when they did it but Quinn on edge, afraid she'd been the cause of it.

This time there was no doubt about what they were arguing about

"They marked our House" Russell yelled. Quinn didn't move she just remained by the front door. She thought about hiding in her room like she did normally but she had faith in her mom, and she needed to hear this so she could continue to have faith in her, or just know it had all been a fail already.

"You mean my house" The mother yelled back. She was fighting for that continued faith from her daughter and she didn't even know it.

"You only one it in the divorce because of Quinn"

"Oh please Russell, we all know who got more out of our marriage. We all know It was my family's money, my money that got us to where we are and if I hadn't given up work we all know I'd have still been the bread winner in this family"

It was amazing Russell had even let Judy say that much, maybe Judy was getting stronger then if he wasn't ready to interrupt her straight away "This has nothing to do with this. This is about that thing"

"By that thing do you mean out daughter?"

"She's not our daughter, she's not even human" he accused, making Quinn feel sick. This is exactly what she's been waiting for and it had barely been around a week since she came home.

"Well you certainly changed your tune"

"I've tried, and I can deal with it if we can pretend and move on. But now they have to mark the houses, you have to have a taser. It means things can go back, things can fail and all the therapy and medication isn't making a bit of difference, what if she turns" he said lowly but Quinn could still hear him "She might take that drug, blue oblivion"

"Quinn is home, she is medicated, she works hard everyday to be the person she really is. Don't you dare say she might do something like that"

"You should get rid of her before it's too late"

"How dare you" Quinn had never heard Judy growl like that "Get out, get out of _my _house before I call the police"

"Judy"

"No Russell, I'm happy, I have my daughter back" Quinn watched the shadows through the doorway where the two adults were pacing and arguing.

"What about your other daughter, you alienate her by keeping Quinn here!"

"That's her loss, she has her own family. I will never abandon Quinn, never again" Quinn smiled and felt her lungs relax. She didn't realise she'd been holding her breath "Now please leave"

"Fine, but if she fails you, like she failed us before, don't say I didn't warn you"

Quinn tensed again as the shadows through the doorway shifted and a man she still feared stormed from the room. He was halfway across the foyer when he saw Quinn just standing there right next to the coat rack. His footsteps barely faltered when their eyes connected .

He pointed at her, like a warning, waving his finger in front of her face. An idea of mischief came to mind and she snapped her jaw as if she were going to bite him. he yanked his hand away and something a kin to fear shone in his eyes leaving Quinn feeling satisfied at her childish behaviour.

He snatched his coat from the coat hanger and shot out of the door before he actually put his coat on, and slammed the door behind him.

Quinn then heard soft chuckling behind her, she looked back to see her mom smiling, she must have just seen what she did "Sorry about him Quinnie"

"It's fine" she assured her mother

"How did things go with Rachel?"

Quinn just grinned foolishly. Where to start?

They spent the afternoon just talking, Quinn avoided the intimate details and kept focus on Judy's reactions. She never once flinched or tensed and her expressions never faltered. She was proud of her mom and all the progress she'd made.

She wasn't going to let Russell but a downer on her mood. He would try and succeed through every minute of her life before he kicked her out. Even when she tried her hardest to please him he'd always find a way to put her down, like find the tiniest detail that wasn't perfect to make her feel worthless. Not anymore, he wouldn't make her feel like that anymore

As for Rachel, she needed a plan she needed to get the depressed diva to wake up, to find herself beautiful and confident again. And Quinn needed to know if this was real. So she hatched a daring plan.

...

Rachel heard the corridor get quieter as footsteps approach. She was hiding in her locker so maybe that's why the usual crowds had grown quiet because she was around. The footsteps had to be Quinn's then and the quietness because they could see her and still felt uneasy

"Good morning" Quinn greeted in a usual happy tone. Happier than most people would find themselves first thing on a Monday morning.

"Good morning Quinn"

"Can I ask you something?" the blonde asked

"Sure" Rachel answered as she kept shuffling books from bag to locker or vice versa.

"Could you feel the way you do if you were... if you weren't a PDS sufferer, and I still was, could you still love me, could you still be with me, or would you feel as disgusted with me as you do yourself"

"Quinn" Rachel trembled as she finally looked up to the other girl. Her eyes widened when they met the other girl and took in her appearance "Quinn what the hell are you doing? Are you crazy?" she hissed

"Thought I'd go au natural" she shrugged. She hadn't put her cover up on or her contacts, she was completely grey and real, just for this occasion. She felt maybe it was drastic but she needed to test Rachel before she could do any more.

"Why are you doing this?" Rachel asked lowly as her eyes darted beyond the other girl to the passing spectators

"Because I've got to know, is that how you feel? If you weren't a PDS Sufferer, and I still was, would there be any hope for us? Or would you hate me the way you hate yourself"

"I don't hate what we are" she whimpered while she still avoided looking directly at the other girl "I just hate what I've done to us. And I'm afraid we'll get hurt, you'll get hurt if we have to be round small minded people who can't accept homosexuality and really can't accept this" she gestured between them "What we are now. I'm sorry, I can't face them, I'm not brave like you"

"Brave..." Quinn scoffed "I'm far from brave... I just don't want to hide who I am" she'd spent long enough pretending to be someone she wasn't "But I get it, I think" Rachel avoiding looking at her directly hadn't gone unnoticed.

"You can't walk round looking like that" Rachel mumbled

"Why not? Because I'm hideous?" she used the brunettes on word to describe herself

"Quinn-" she whimpered again

"No Rachel. When you insult yourself you insult me, you know" her words were almost angry but her tone was just hurt "You call yourself a monster... but we're the same, so if you're a monster, if you're atrocious and ugly, then I am too"

"You could never be any of those things Quinn" the school bell above them rung and students started to tear themselves away from seeing Quinn so dead. Quinn didn't move though, she left Rachel trapped between her and her open locker

"Well you weren't dead as long as me, and you weren't disfigured"

"Neither were you"

"Oh you wanna bet, remember the side of my face hiding under my hair?" she revealed it by tucking her hair behind her ear "Or would you like to look at my leg?" she pushed

"Can't be that bad if you hid it under tights and a dress on your first day back" Yes, Rachel remembered very clearly what Quinn wore the first time she saw the girl again.

"Tights kinda caught on the stitches a bit... might just stick to jeans now" she noted lightly "Anyway I'm hideous like this Rachel" she went back to her original point

"You're not ugly Quinn" Rachel was now finding her own shoed feet very interesting.

"Then why won't you look at me" she whispered

"Because when I see you like that... I remember what I've done" she whimpered again, it hurt to hear and see Rachel this so uncharacteristically

"You didn't do this, I did" Quinn told her sternly. They wouldn't last if Rachel would always blame herself for all the bad things that might still happen to them "Do you still love me?"

Rachel glanced nervously either side of the girl in front of her, afraid one of the few still wandering around might hear them "With every beat of my heart" she breathed softly

"Then look at me"

"I can't" she trembled

"Look at me Rachel, or you can't love me" Quinn warned

"Quinn" she looked up straight into those clouded eyes to prove her feelings "I-"

"Kiss me" she was full of demands today

"Quinn"

"Just kiss me, just once, I need to know if this is real"

"Of course it's all real. What I feel for you is so scarily real" She took a brave step and took both of Quinn's hands in her own.

"Then kiss me"

"But everyone will see" well if one person saw that was enough for everyone to know.

"I don't care what they think, about the PDS part or the in love with Rachel Berry part. And you shouldn't care either, life's too short"

"Is that your motto now?" Rachel managed to half smile

"Might be, but back to what's important right now. I just need to know how you really feel, so kiss me, Rachel" she leaned in a little of the way closer to the other girl so there was no excuse, all it would take is for Rachel to tilt her head.

Just one glance around for potential witnesses, then back to Quinn... and she was still beautiful, maybe cold, or sickly looking... but beautiful, especially to Rachel and that's all that mattered.

She closed that gap, capturing Quinn's lips with her own. This wasn't just some chaste kiss, she wanted to kiss Quinn for real, afraid a chaste one wouldn't say enough, and wouldn't erase all the doubt Quinn was feeling right now. They might have got a little carried away.

They were interrupted the usual bitchy drone of a certain Latina Cheerio "I didn't know you ate your own kind" she then stopped and screwed up her face "Okay, ew that just went one step dirtier in my head... and I didn't need to imagine that"

"San be nice" Brittany scolded in a light care free tone that she often used. "I think it's sweet"

"And we only ate in our Rabid state" Rachel snapped defensively "It wasn't our fault" she didn't entirely believe that though, she was just defended her and Quinn "And-"

"Rach it's okay, she's just being Santana" Quinn calmed her

"You not looking so good Q, a bit pale" she had to keep up her usual persona even if she was kind of scared of what she was seeing in front of her. It made it all seem too real for her licking.

Not Brittany though, you had to admire her attitude really. "Cool eyes, Quinn" she said with as much admiration in her tone as her words "that's so cool, you won't have to dress up for Halloween"

Quinn chuckled and agreed with Brittany humouring her, while Rachel felt ashamed she hadn't been so open in the beginning.

Santana was suddenly silent as she just kept her eyes on Rachel, almost like she was analysing her... well she was analysing her. Things seemed to making sense now. Santana wondered if her assumptions were right... had Rachel ended herself for Quinn... had it been the utter devastation of losing someone you love so dearly that had caused her to take her own life. And to be the one to blame for loosing that person in the first place, just makes it so much worse.

She swallowed thickly as her mind was stupid and evil enough to put herself in Rachel's position and imagining the same thing that happened to Quinn happening to Brittany. She could feel her eyes stinging as tears tried to escape.

She broke up Quinn and Brittany's conversation by taking her girlfriend's hand "Come on Britt, lets leave these two to get their freak on... or whatever" she used a usual smirk as she subtly escaped, making it look like a normal case of walking away. The truth was she just had to get away before those tears could roll down her face.

When they were alone Quinn turned back to Rachel "Sorry about them"

"No it's fine. Brittany's amazing"

Quinn nodded in agreement "I'm going to go and put my disguise on" she told Rachel softly "I'll see you in class" she looked up and down the corridor, the others there were Santana and Brittany who were probably on their way to the usual Janitors Closet. Knowing the coast was clear let Quinn know it was okay to do what she wanted. She bowed her head to surprise Rachel with another kiss.

When she didn't tense, or pull away, Quinn knew for sure Rachel could... and did, love her, despite what she was.

...

Because of Rachel's absence at the end of the previous week Miss Pillsbury called a PDS sufferer's meeting that Monday lunch time, just to make sure everything was okay. They'd seen the unnecessary notices on the notice boards round the school and Mr Schue had let them know in their Spanish lesson.

Considering it was time spent together alone (if they could alienate the guidance councillor again) they didn't mind. Also it was private time to talk. And Quinn still wanted to talk.

"I'm sorry about this morning" she apologised as she and Rachel walked over to the far side of the room and sat where Rachel had at the last meeting.

"It's okay, you were just making a point"

"I know it was a bit dramatic... but I thought you'd appreciate that" she smirked a little to herself as she pulled a chair out for Rachel

"Thank you" Rachel noted as she sat down "And I guess I can appreciate the drama... you did put me on edge though"

"I know" Quinn muttered as she took the seat next to the other girl "Sorry... I just needed to know"

"I really love you" she said it because she both wanted to and felt she had to

"I love you too" she didn't kiss Rachel like she wanted to right now. It seemed no one had said anything yet, maybe no one other than Santana and Brittany had seen anything. But she didn't kiss Rachel in case someone, like Miss Pillsbury saw, and it somehow became gossip. You couldn't trust even teachers these days. "What are we?"

"What do you mean?" Rachel furrowed her brow, and Quinn found herself wanting to reach out to smooth the crease out, just as an excuse to touch her

"Well I know we're a secret but... do we have a label? Can I think of you as my girlfriend?" she asked shyly

"I want to be your girlfriend" Rachel just told her

She looked to the brunette cautiously "So is that a yes?"

"I'll be your girlfriend, if you'll be mine"

Quinn rolled her eyes playfully "I think that's how it's supposed to work... unless you're Santana" she chuckled "sorry that was unnecessary"

"Why are you apologising to me?" Rachel chuckled too

Quinn just shrugged to the question "As for the other thing, yeah I'll be your girlfriend"

"Good" Rachel beamed "I'll be your girlfriend too"

Quinn smiled too as she took Rachel's hand on the table top. At least that was more discreet to a person who might just walk into the room at any moment "Oh I have a present for you" she had to pull away to reach her bag

"A present?" Rachel asked, obviously curious

"Well I want to share something with you" she wasn't sure she'd hand the book, she was pulling out of her bag, over at the end. But she wanted to share the words inside with her girlfriend.

"Your diary?" she recognised the standard issue notebook from the rehab facility she had attended. Everyone had been given one "They let you keep it? They took mine away they said they needed to check it, analyse what I wrote probably"

"Yeah they were supposed to take mine too but I said it was in my dorm somewhere... and then I snuck it out"

"Sneaky" Rachel commented

"Exactly"

"... Why did you want to keep it?" the brunette had to ask

"Well... some days I just felt... confident" she tried to explain as she traced her fingers of the cover of the book. Her name had been hand written by one of the doctors in the top left corner and a number, her number ID at the facility. "I Ah- I feel stupid for saying this but... I thought it could help explain things... to you about the condition, if I ever felt brave enough to tell you how I feel and get shot down"

"But I was going through the same thing"

"Well I didn't know that" Quinn spluttered out the obvious defensively "I didn't really write a lot, I mean I was only there four weeks, by the time they rounded me up and took me there the Neurotriptyline had already been in circulation for a week. But I still want to share it with you" she slid the book across the table top, closer to the other girl to encourage her to look at it before she changed her mind.

"Are you sure?" Rachel checked "I know how private I wanted to keep mine even though I knew the doctors would be reading it anyway. But sometimes it was the only outlet"

"that's exactly how I felt" Quinn confessed while smiled at the miniature ramble she got form Rachel "But I'm sure, I want you to see what I wrote. I-ah, I already made you prove your feelings for me... I now need you to know how serious mine are"

"Okay" she cautiously opened the little green notebook to the first page, where she immediately found Quinn's individual scrawl.

_2__nd__ April 2012_

_They've given me this book, to write all my thoughts in. I'm pretty sure its so they can read it and  
check how we're really feeling. The others don't seem to be bothering at all, but for me this feels like  
some freedom, I can finally get some thoughts out of my head._

_I've been here for I'm not too sure how long already, I've finished the intense part of the treatment. I  
feel like Frankenstein's creature, all stitched up. When I saw my reflection for the first time I almost  
cried. That's when I found out I can't actually cry. That just made me want to cry even more. Still no  
tears though._

_Rachel's wedding was on the 21__st__ of February, so that was the day I died, it was a Tuesday. I'm not  
sure what that's got to go with anything but I remember it, maybe that's the point._

_They said the Rising started on Saturday 17__th__ of March. And they said judging by the distance I had  
covered from my resting place I must have been one of the first to rise. So I must have been dead at  
last 29 days._

_They told us the 'Antidote' was found only three weeks after the rising, which makes me suspicious.  
Had they known this was going to happen, is this some kind of experiment, an act against god? I  
know some of my 'room mates' believe it was an act of god, I can't help but wonder if its the  
opposite._

_They say there was confusion, obviously, at the beginning. No one was sure the limits of the rising, no  
one is sure how many might still be in their boxes underground just waiting to free themselves or  
how many might still wake up. But it was figured that only those who died within the year before the  
rising, did come back, and only those who didn't die of old age._

_They have us repeat this phrase, more than once a day:_

_"I am a Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer and what I did in my untreated state was not my fault."_

_That's what all the doctors, all the therapists, and the nurses, keep telling us to repeat._

_They say that if we keep repeating it then our brains, our newly functioning brains, will be tricked into  
actually believing it._

_I'm not sure I do though._

So far the feelings on that page seemed to somewhat mirror her own at the time. She just looked to Quinn with a sad smile, a guilt laced one.

"Keep reading" Quinn encouraged "There's not much but... just keep reading"

Rachel nodded and turned back to the note book. She turned to the next page to find the next entry. Quinn had done as she had then, a new entry for each page.

_4__th__ April 2012_

_I feel better today, maybe I'm getting used to the injections, the first few made me sick. The nurses  
said that wasn't uncommon as one of the side effects was nausea. What I didn't like was what I  
threw up. It was like black water, no it was thicker than water. It just made me want to throw up  
again._

_But today I wasn't sick and I started feeling more positive about being here. I never got to say  
goodbye to anyone, I never got to smooth everything out with some of my friends. I hope when I  
leave here I'll get that chance._

_6__th__ April 2012_

_Today I got my first flashback. When they shot the Neurotriptyline into my neck my head just rushed  
with so many images, from before and after my death. I remember being in the car, and I remember  
hunting. Luckily they let us return to our dorms afterward, so I can rest, and try to sleep. That's what  
I'm going to try and do now, hopefully some rest will clear my head of these images, at least for a  
little while._

_7__th__ April 2012_

_Sleeping didn't help, it only intensified the memories, mostly of me wandering the streets, and the  
woods, hiding, waiting for some innocent person. I wasn't alone, there were others there, people like  
me. It's like we hunted together, in packs. I even remember eating._

_I can't sleep in total darkness now. Before my ending that was how I had to sleep, I couldn't sleep in a  
lit room, it would just make me restless. But now I can't even close my eyes in the darkness without  
remembering waking in my coffin and panicking._

"I can't sleep in the dark either" Rachel muttered without tearing herself away from the book. She flipped the page to the next entry. Quinn stayed silent just wanting Rachel to read.

_9__th__ April 2012_

_I had another memory, or dream last night. It was of Rachel. Its the first time I've really thought  
about her since being put in this rehab facility. Sure, I thought about her when thinking about the day  
I left, but not like this. And now I can't stop thinking about her. _

_This girl in group, Joanna, thought I was weird today because I was actually smiling. She reminds me  
of Santana, kind of a bitch really, but she could be your best friend too if you don't mess with her. She  
said the way I was smiling she wouldn't be surprised if they replaced the current PDS Posters with my  
'stupid grinning face'. I can't help it though I keep thinking about how I'm going to see Rachel again. I  
can't pretend anymore, I'm not going to be afraid of how I feel._

_13__th__ April 2012_

_My diary was missing for a couple of days, Joanna had it. The torn out pages, I took those out, they  
were where she wrote some sarcastic comments. She read the few entries before this one, she said I  
must be out of my mind. That 'this Rachel girl' isn't going to understand, that I haven't got a shot in  
hell._

_She's right though, I wasn't thinking clearly. Rachel couldn't accept this, not that I had a chance  
before I was this anyway. But maybe, we can be friends. I really hope we can._

_20__th__ April 2012_

_I haven't felt like writing lately._

_They got a night light for the room, I'm not the only one afraid of the dark now._

_22__nd__ April 2012_

_I've found my happy feelings again. I think they've always been there. I just keep thinking, there's a  
lot of spare time to just think round here, the more I think the deeper the thoughts get and the more I  
can convince myself of anything._

_Rachel is one of the most accepting people I know. I think if anyone will welcome me home, it could  
only be her. I'm not expecting anything big from anyone, even her. But I just keep hoping things.  
Smaller things now. There's no need to tell her anything else. I just hope she's happy._

_And I really hope she didn't actually marry Finn._

_24__th__ April 2012_

_It's been exactly 8 weeks since the rising, and they say we're going home this weekend. They even  
confirmed that my mom will actually be coming to pick me up. I wasn't sure she could accept this.  
Maybe she can, maybe things might be okay, to some extent._

_I can't be the only one nervous about leaving here, I don't feel ready, every things happened too fast.  
I told Doctor Lynn, my elected therapist, I didn't feel ready. He told me I was, because I __feel__._

_How will everyone react when I get back? Will there be others in town, I can't remember who died in  
the past year who might return too. I feel alone and I haven't even left this place yet. But at the same  
time I'm looking forward to leaving, because I remember all the good in life. Like Rachel._

_The only thing that has kept me going here at the rehab facility is knowing that when I get home I  
can see Rachel again. __Its kept me doing my physical therapy, kept me talking in group, kept me from  
feeling so hopeless and afraid,__ just to see her smile again. That's something worth living for, I think._

"Quinn" Rachel breathed, feeling tearful, while not actually managing to be tearful.

"I know, its all so stupid now" Quinn sighed

"No... it's..." she took Quinn's hand in her own and rubbed her thumb across her knuckles, soothingly "You really thought like that?"

"Yeah... I didn't leave with much, just the conditional offer from Yale, but you were all I kept going for. You broke my heart when I found out you'd taken your life"

"I'm so sorry"

"Don't be, I've got you now" she squeezed Rachel's fingers

"Is this the PDS sufferers meeting?" both girls snapped their heads to the classroom door and to boy who asked the question. There stood Azimio Adams, looking as threatening and dead pan as ever.

**Let me know what you think...**


	6. Meeting

**Thanks for reviewing since the last chapter: Musicfutbolfan6, sayitwithyourhands, LoveSKINS94, FaberryBRA, Whisperer21, sapphirous, D3MI-D3M0N, mythic-lionheart, Guest, Natty. S, iloveDiannaAdron, croquet, NZgleek91, Cassie Noir, SarySoda, turnaroundchloe, stephanielalinda, Guest, SIWTH, turnaroundchloe (again) and SiennaKnight.**

**Sorry its taking me so long to update lately :/**

**Posted: 11/9/13, or more accurately the 12****th**** where it matters, Happy Birthday NZgleek91!**

* * *

Meeting

"Is this the PDS Sufferers meeting?"

Quinn and Rachel sat frozen, unsure what to say. Where was the slushy? How many of the boys friends waited outside? Why was Azimio here?

The tension broken when Miss Pillsbury walked in past the boy. She stopped by him and looked up at him "Azimio? I wasn't aware you were-"

"I'm not" he said quickly "I- ah" and then he suddenly looked nervous "I got a little brother" he muttered, they all still heard though "He... he died in the summer, he was 7, and he had leukaemia" he explained

Quinn wondered. You wouldn't make that up would you, that's not something you should make up, it would be sick to lie like that. Still she wasn't completely buying it just yet. She looked at Rachel, the girl was always eager to 'want to trust' and 'want to make nice', and right now there was sympathy shining in her eyes.

Miss Pillsbury pulled out a chair for the boy on the opposite side of the table arrangement to the two girls. "Please sit" she instructed before going to her seat at the head of the arrangement.

"Um, sure" he muttered again before taking the seat

"So your brother..." Quinn urged as she pulled her diary from under Rachel's hand and closed it, she then slipped it back into her bag. She just felt vulnerable with it sitting open like that... and suppose a slushy onslaught was waiting for them.

"Yeah, right. He had Leukaemia, He'd had it a long time and I swear on my darkest days I kinda wished for it to just end for him. He was so tiny and weak when he finally went" okay there were tears there, he wasn't lying, this boy wasn't that committed to acting, so if he was crying it was real

Quinn and Rachel shared a look of concern. Even Pillsbury looked unsure. The boy himself sat at an angle on his chair, he had one hand on the table and he just kept staring at that.

"When we heard about the rising, my dad, and me and some others we got guns and started heading down the grave yards to shoot em before they could come up. We got to my little bro's and... my dad said he had to do it, he had to make sure his lil boy didn't suffer like... like the rest of you guys" they could see another tear try and escape his eye, he was fighting it though "But by the time we got there, my dad must of been thinking what I was thinking, just about seeing him again. So we left. Some of the other guys they weren't happy but we made sure they left too. We didn't go out after that night. We just waited" he looked half apologetically to the two girls opposite him "I mean when we were shooting, how were we to know they'd come up with that stuff to cure y'all"

The two girls nodded, Azimio wasn't proud of that time and honestly the girls weren't proud of themselves either. When they had started receiving treatment they had started to receive flash backs too, they remembered hunting and eating, and it kept them awake at the latest hours of the night. so no, they had nothing to be proud of from that time either.

"Anyway, we waited, then we got a call and... my lil bro is back home. When I hugged him, it shocked me, you know? He was so cold. But as soon as he hugged back, I swear like he was burying himself in that hug, I was just so happy to have him back" he looked at Rachel and Quinn again "And now I just need to know more. I read the pamphlets, I get the science in it all I just don't get how it's gotta be for him. so I came here. You guys might need the help in an obvious way but everyone else... the families it's hard for us too you know"

"I know it is, my dads can't look at me" Rachel admitted, she also felt sad after hearing Azimio's story. She could sympathise somewhat with the boy but from another perspective.

"My mom's getting better but at first she slept with the taser gun next to her bed" Quinn added, letting the boy know he wasn't alone in his feeling

"I was wonderin if I could like, come to the meetings... learn some stuff and..."

"Yeah, that would be great" Quinn suddenly encouraged, surprising even herself.

"It would?" Rachel muttered right in her ear

Quinn just looked to her girlfriend then the guidance councillor and then to the boy "If Azimio wants to learn more about this then we'd be happy to help" she nodded again. If they could teach him a thing or two then they wouldn't have to worry, maybe he'd repay them in kindness, or at the very least leaving them alone. Quinn would spend as long as it takes to make Rachel feel good about herself again but she didn't want to have to fight against people tearing her down again.

...

Later that same day, in the evening, Judy found herself sat second row in the circle of people at the help group she'd been attending. When she'd started there was 14 of them, now just a week later the numbers had increased into the high 20's. It turned out this issue effected more people than first thought.

Currently they were listening to this woman on the front row, Judy was sure the woman was older than her and from the sounds of all the stories she shared every session, her son was a few years older than Quinn too. Today's tale was a little different

"Well my son Henry, he's been getting fan mail... from _perverts_" she whispered the last word harshly so everyone obviously still heard "Who find his condition, PDS..." they watched as the woman tried to find the right word "Arousing" Judy looked around, she wanted to laugh, it did sound kind of funny, she noticed some others in the circle doing their best to stifle their giggles too "Some of the letters he gets, pure filth" she spat with vulgarity "This is one of them" the woman pulled a letter from her purse and unfolded it to read loudly for all to hear.

"_Dear undead love god  
I want to feel your cold dead hands all over my warm silky body. I want you to bite me dead, you horny corpse  
Yours, Marissa"_

The woman then glared at the nurse leading the group, as if waiting for her opinion but also expecting to hear an agreeing opinion. The nurse was the same one who had visited Judy and Quinn when Quinn had got home, she was also the one to do the same for Rachel and he Berry men

"Yes well I can see this Marissa is very misinformed" The woman in the nurses uniform tried to explain. But this was new to the group though not unheard of. Some people might just feel happy it was a positive attitude to the condition and would let it slide. In truth she was trying not to laugh too

"That's not the point" The woman grumbled, disappointed she wasn't hearing other people upset

"Okay... so how does everyone else feel" The nurse said, awkwardly "Leroy? We haven't heard from you yet. We're all here in confidence and support. So how do you feel?"

Judy lent forward in her seat, surely it wasn't Leroy Berry. As the man the nurse was looking to came into view she saw it was Rachel's dad. She hadn't recognised anyone here before, this must have been his first meeting... hence the nurse picking on him

"How do I feel? Well..." his voice was rough as if he'd been crying "one minute I'm just so happy Rachel's back and the next I'm filled with anger and a minute later I'm in the bathroom crying my eyes out so I can't say I can really keep up with how I'm feeling"

"That's a very common reaction don't we think" the others in the room nodded and muttered their agreement, including Judy. Though the blonde mothers mix of emotion wasn't exactly the same, they were more worry, sometimes fear, and happiness "You mentioned being angry with her"

You could see it in Leroy's eyes, it only then occurred to him that he'd even said he was angry. He felt it best to explain "When Rachel, um, left, my family... my um husband and I went into... freefall... Hiram, he... you know that little joke that the best husband is a mute husband" "But the reality of watching someone you've known and loved for so long, just um... just shutting down in front of you is awful... and the worst part... I would just blame Rachel" he ducked his head to hide and wipe his tears "I was just so damn mad with her, and she wasn't there to be mad at..." he sniffed and bravely raised his head again "and that's a terrible way to feel about someone especially you're only child, especially when... when she wasn't with us"

A woman spoke up, she sat just behind Leroy "I felt exactly the same way, Leroy" she leant forward in her seat to speak more directly to Leroy than the other people in the room. He looked back to see her understanding gaze. "My son... he left us, turned his younger sister into a white ball of rage I couldn't handle or argue with anymore... my husband... became difficult too"

"This is good" the nurse said "This sharing and helping it's what we're all here for Leroy" she assured him "We all lost people and had them return so unexpectedly" she was talking to the whole group but she kept looking to Leroy, she'd picked on him in the first place because he looked the most awkward, worried and unsure. She would do her best to make sure he returned to the meetings "But we've all got each other to help one another"

...

A few days later and Quinn and Rachel found themselves at another PDS Sufferer's meeting. They were first there of course, Miss Pillsbury would be along at any moment and maybe Azimio would show up again but they couldn't be sure of that he would come back.

Quinn and Rachel were just chatting lightly, sharing their dislike of one teacher and one class and their like for another, nothing too heavy. Despite them kissing in the corridor a few days previous it seemed no one was any the wiser, if anyone had seen they'd amazingly kept it to themselves, or spread the word and had no one believe them. Also by some perhaps Miracle Brittany hadn't let anything slip either.

Quinn did wonder if Azimio knew, he had to have some vague idea judging by the way he watched them in the last meeting, the way he watched their linked hands on the desk, the way he watched as they spoke so carefully and softly to one another. It had all got him thinking...

As assumed Miss Pillsbury arrived, she greeted the girls lightly before taking her usual seat. She had a new print out of information for today, but the chances were Rachel and Quinn already knew what was on the paper and would end up 'running' the session again.

There was a short knock on the open door getting the three 'club members' to look up

"Hi" this awkward looking boy in a letterman jacket stood there, not quite sure what to do "Z told me this is the PDS sufferers meeting... kinda hoping I can get some answers"

The brunette boy was suddenly shadowed by the taller frame of Azimio as the boy stepped up behind him "Dude just sit, they'll help" he encouraged him , if a little roughly with the shove he gave him

"Okay dude, just didn't wanna, you know, get in the way" he shrugged his letterman back onto his shoulders, it had slipped after the shove from the other boy

Azimio just rolled his eyes at the other boy before pulling a chair out "Just sit there" he ordered like a superior before taking a seat next to him. Strength in numbers? The two girls wondered as they looked at the boy pair opposite them.

"So... um, sorry what's your name?" the guidance councillor asked trying to get the meeting started.

"Daniel- I mean Dan" he looked a little shocked at himself for calling himself by his first name, must have been the nerves, that's also why he was sitting with his hands clasped together like he was 10 years old "Dan" he said again. He kept looking at the two girls opposite, almost scared. I made Quinn and Rachel feel a little like freaks in a cage.

"Calm down" Azimio elbowed him, fixing the situation, he even looked at the two PDS sufferers apologetically as if he'd sensed the tension. It was weird to see from the boy who was usually a bully. "I said it's okay, just tell em"

"Right" Dan swallowed "Well... My dad" he started "We signed up in those weeks to fight the Zom- sorry" he muttered

"It's fine" Rachel spoke up this time, she didn't bite... well she wouldn't bite him "What happened?"

"Well" he started tapping his foot anxiously on the floor "We were fighting. We were there the night with Z and his dad at his little bro's..." the foot tapping slowed as he delved deeper into his thoughts and memories "and when Z's dad couldn't do it... my dad he wanted to. I couldn't let him... geez if I thought I could see my grams again... I'd have let her come back too you know. My dad made sure that wouldn't happen" he remembered them all standing over the grave and pumping it full of lead.

"Um... if its any kind of consolation, any who were thought to have died of old age, they didn't return" Quinn explained, there were many boundaries and limits to the rising that people just hadn't heard about, I guess getting them to stop killing the PDS sufferers was more important right now

Dan just nodded slowly, he looked a little sad at that news but accepted it and tried to keep going with his story "My dad one night we split up in the woods and he went missing. I searched and searched but he hasn't come home" he swallowed thickly "I'm here coz' I wanna know more. I was thinkin' if my dad, if he got bit he might still be out there, walking around. And maybe I could get him back" he suddenly looked so hopeful "Even if its the way you two are, I'd still want him back"

"I ah, I" Rachel looked to Quinn for help. She was about to destroy this boy's life, even if he'd made her living life hell, it wasn't right to tear him down this way. Quinn looked lost at what to say as well "It doesn't work like that" Rachel tried to explain

"But it's like that in all the movies, there's a chance, right?" he looked to Azimio who just shrugged, he didn't know much more than this Dan did anyway.

A lot of people had got bitten and got away alive, but not a single one had turned. Only those who'd been on the inside knew that though, for some reason it had never been shared with the outside. Maybe there were more cases like this boy's, maybe they just didn't want people to lose hope.

"My mom leaves the back door open every night, hopin' he'll still come home" Dan admitted, the hope now showing in his eyes

"It doesn't-" Rachel went to force the truth again when Quinn cut her off

"Of course there's a chance" Quinn told him quickly with a hope willing smile. Rachel looked at her with a furrowed brow but it softened when Quinn looked back at her with a sad smile. It was better to live with hope that live with none... like she had done when she lost Quinn

He looked to Azimio with a smile then back to the girls, he deflated a little, as if the tension was leaving his body, and after that he smiled a little brighter "Cool" he breathed "You know I read stuff on the internet but I thought you guys would make more sense. I saw the poster for the meetings, but I wasn't sure... then I saw Azimio coming out of here the other day... I just thought it might be a good idea to come here" he rambled a little but they still caught every word

...

Later that evening and Quinn and Rachel were together, they did their best to spend so little time apart just because everything felt better when they were with one another. They didn't know what the future would hold or how long they had so they planned on spending every moment they could together, getting closer and just a little more familiar than they had when they were just living.

...

"Are you nervous?" The feminine boy asked the girl standing next to him as they stood on the front porch of a familiar house

"Yeah... is that stupid?" The female diva asked back. They didn't share eye contact though, the pair just kept staring at the door though, waiting for whoever might turn up the other side.

"No, I just... we weren't welcoming, when she came back" the boy muttered half regretfully. He didn't really feel completely guilty about his previous behaviour, he was sure he wasn't the only one who felt like that or who would have done the same.

"It's weird that's why, we saw her get buried and we don't even know why she went in the first place-" she stopped talking when the door in front of them was swung open

The taller of the Berry men stood their looking at the two teens with honest curiosity "Mercedes? Kurt? It's been so long, are you here to see Rachel?"

"Yes, just wanted to stop by and say hi" Kurt didn't sound like himself and Mercedes seemed to be the only one to notice at this point.

"Please come in, she's in her room" the father stepped to the side to allow them inside.

"Thanks Mr B" Kurt chirped as they stepped past him and headed for the stairs.

"Smooth Kurt, very smooth" Mercedes chuckled.

"Sorry, but I'm nervous" he muttered again. The pair had decided to grow a pair and visit their friend. The situation was always on the news, the posters for meetings and help groups as well as advice lines were everywhere. People were dealing with it and getting on with their lives, so Kurt and Mercedes had realised that it was time to try and move on too. They were going to have to get over the PDS situation eventually, they would meet other sufferers in their lives so maybe if they got used to hanging around one now, one they already knew before, then maybe things wouldn't be so bad, or difficult later in life.

Even with all the acceptance ready inside them nothing quite prepared them for what they walked in on.

"Oh my gawd!" Mercedes yelled

"Oh my god!" Kurt gasped at the same time.

Quinn saw them first as she peeled her eyes shot open. Her lips tore away from Rachel's and as she roughly pulled away, pulling her hand out from under Rachel's sweater at the same time, she felt herself falling, she let out a little yelp as rolled backwards and fell off the bed. Rachel scrambled to sit up too and looked round at the unexpected visitors

"Wh-what are you doing here?" Rachel asked as she tried to straighten out her skirt and sweater, she then tried to tame her hair

"Um... we came to see you?" Mercedes sort of asked, she looked to Kurt who had his hand held firmly over his eyes

"Are you okay Kurt?" Rachel asked, cautiously. She really never imagined anyone would walk in on her and Quinn like that. With herself on her back and with Quinn propped up next to her like that, Quinn's lips all over her lips and neck, smudging each other's makeup, Quinn's hand sliding up under her sweater, Quinn's hand cautiously finding her breast, still over bra, but that was further than most had gone

"Just wishing your dad had warned us" Kurt cringed, hand still over eyes has he tried to erase images. Mercedes felt that same but didn't feel the need to be that dramatic

Rachel could have blushed if she could, Quinn was still MIA too at this point, the brunette was frozen on who to turn to "Well he didn't know we were... um"

"Making out?" Mercedes scoffed, starting to find something funny about the whole thing. Of all the things she thought they'd find Rachel doing that had to be near the bottom of the list.

"Yeah" Rachel muttered. She then slid over to the other side of the bed and looked down at the girl still lying on the floor "You okay?"

"Yeah... you okay?" Quinn blinked back up at her girlfriend. She wasn't sure how to feel, she didn't care if the gossips knew about them but that's not how she wanted them to find out

"Yeah" she leant down further "They um... they saw you with your hand on my..." she whispered

Quinn just looked up at her with a quirked eyebrow "1 more minute and they would have seen me unclip your bra"

"Quinn!" Rachel yelped, again blushing on the inside.

"So you... guys still do... _that_?" Kurt's voice got Rachel to readdress the two teens standing in the doorway. She went to open her mouth with some defensive comment when she was beaten to it

Quinn sat up again, her head appearing behind Rachel's bed, technically in the space where Rachel slept when she was alone "Hey I might be dead but I still live and breathe"

Rachel glared back at her girlfriend "Quinn" she yelped again but a little lower this time, more like a warning.

"What?" The blonde shrugged

"Just... not so... I love your confidence, I do, but..." she gestured with her head back to their guests "Come on, lets sort out our makeup" she figured hers had to be as bad if not worse than her girlfriends.

.

"So... so y-you and... you?" Kurt asked uneasily from his seat on the bed next to Mercedes. Rachel sat at her dresser, reapplying the cover up, Quinn sat on the edge of the bed behind her, doing the same and the two divas sat further behind the blonde

Rachel let out an uneasy breath before answering with just one straight forward word "Yes"

"Is this because you're both dead-" Mercedes was a little less tactful, Kurt elbowed her in the side, but that wasn't what got her to stop talking

"We prefer PDS Sufferer" Quinn cut the sassy female diva off with her abrupt correction.

"And if you're asking if we're together because we are both PDS sufferers the answer would be no. Quinn and I are together for other reasons" Rachel explained as she finished up her makeup

Quinn was finished too. She put her compact onto Rachel's dresser and turned around on the bed. She looked at Rachel's, perhaps former, friends and with much sincerity declared "I love Rachel, I have for a long time"

Rachel smiled mostly to herself, but the two curious gossips saw it too, it was a true Rachel Berry shy smile, which wasn't as rare a thing as you'd think. With Quinn's words as encouragement she got up and joined the others by sitting on the bed next to the blonde PDS sufferer "A-and I love Quinn, and have loved her for maybe longer"

"Not possible" Quinn smiled back at her

"It is to possible" she nodded back very seriously

"Well I love you more" she took Rachel's hand and stroked her thumb over the back of Rachel's pale knuckles.

"Now that is impossible" Rachel smirked right back

"Oh my- did you- because she- you did didn't you?" Kurt completely ruined their sickly sweet moment, it was for the best though, in both Kurt and Mercedes head. What if they went too far... right there and then?

"What?" Mercedes looked at her best friend confused, then to Rachel and Quinn "What does he... oh god... did you?"

"Rachel...?" Kurt asked again, more worried than ever.

The shorter girl looked to her girlfriend who just smiled sadly and squeezed her hand. her disguised hazel eyes said 'I'm here' that was all she needed in life, Quinn. Not having and knowing hse'd never see let alone have Quinn had made her make that drastic decision "I took my life because..." she released her hand so she could push up her sleeves a little and show the black scars on her wrists "I couldn't live with the guilt and pain of never seeing Quinn again"

"Rachel" Kurt sounded so weak, as if he were about to cry

"Rach, why didn't you talk to us?" Mercedes asked softly "We would have been here for you"

"I-I know" she wanted to cry but even this wasn't going to bring on those murky tears, only what had recently transpired between her and Quinn leading up to their confessions had been enough. "But it wouldn't have been enough"

"This is one screwed up love story" Kurt sighed, but it was a love story and that kept him interested

"Yeah it is, but it's ours" Quinn said as she affectionately gazed at her girlfriend

"Right you have to tell us" Kurt leant over the side of the bed and grabbed his bag off the floor, he bought it up and unzipped it, he took out a box of tissues and put it down between himself and Mercedes then dropped his bag back down onto the floor "Tell us everything" he had a feeling it would be a crying fest

"Kurt..." Rachel wasn't sure that was a good idea

"Please, I want t apologise for avoiding you when you got back but, we're trying now" he said for himself and Mercedes

"We know this isn't easy on you" the other gossip added "it's not easy on any of us, so if you could tell us what you can"

"I want to know everything Rachel, why you left us and how you two got together because... this it's like the sweetest weirdest thing ever" Kurt rambled being less delicate than Mercedes right now. They were here they had a few facts now he wanted the whole story.

"Well..." Rachel looked to Quinn to find her confidence again "When Quinn... left us..."

They spent so long listening to Quinn and Rachel's story. It started with tears, sad one, and ended with.. well more tears but happy ones

...

There was a third Letterman jacket at the following meeting for the PDS sufferers. It actually boosted Rachel and Quinn's confidence in what they were now, they worried less that they would be attacked by their fellow students. They also felt that maybe one day there would be more acceptance.

The new guy, Greg, a dark haired boy with caramel skin, was recalling his story to the group. The 5 others all listened intently, even his fellow football buddies. It seemed Azimio was becoming some sort of helpful figure to some members of the football team, they looked to him to have the confidence to show their faces in these meetings. Things were looking better for everyone, at least in school anyway.

"I mean, I barely knew my aunt, but my mom's just so happy again now that she's got her sister back. And I'm so like torn because my dad is so against having contact with her because he says she's a monster. And now it's like tearing my mom and dad apart. But I don't see it, like you guys... you're not scary... it's weird that you're back but... I don't feel sick anymore"

"Dude, why you feeling sick?" Azimio asked

"I ah... guilt I guess" he shrugged as he looked, with that guilt, to the girls opposite."We wear these jackets and we think we're something we're not. We slushied Berry and... when you were dead Berry I just felt sick that maybe we pushed you too far" he muttered weakly

"Yeah I was feeling that too" Azimio stepped up to be a man and agreed "We didn't know why you were gone but...we all guessed right" he looked to Dan and Greg who nodded in agreement "It was bad enough when you went Fabray. It hit everyone hard"

"Ah, um , yes" Miss Pillsbury perked up for a moment, she had read the school stats "Actually behaviour and grades at school took a surprising turn for the better" her perkiness then deflated "Under unfortunate circumstances of course"

"It was like an alarm went off and we realised... we're not... what's the word?" Greg tried to think

"Invincible?" Dan asked

"Yeah, like, just because we're young doesn't mean we've got a lot ahead of us, shit could end badly for us too" Azimio agreed with his team mates. It seemed like this was the first time they'd spoken like this around one another, let alone other people.

Rachel and Quinn might admit the boys could sometimes be a little tactless or insensitive. Abrupt mostly, but they understood what they meant all the same, and over all the PDS teens just appreciated the honesty.

There was yet another knock on the door half way through the lunch time session. For a moment they expected more footballers, especially when they saw the red clothing out of the corner of their eyes but no... it was two more friendly faces

"Sorry we're late" Santana grumbled awkwardly "Britt wanted to be supportive" she felt her girlfriend pull her hand out of her own to skip... well not really skip but she sure looked happy, so she jogged round the class room to the side where the other girls sat and gave them each a quick hug

"We haven't seen you in the cafeteria and e wanted to hang out with you, didn't know you were here" she said in that oblivious way she often did before she took a seat next to where Santana had chosen to sit while Brittany was distracted. They sat on the free side of the four sided table arrangement to Quinn and Rachel's right "Santana missed you" she added, making the boys in the room stifle some laughter at her bluntness

"We just wanted to show our support" Santana made that clear before glaring at the football players, silencing them

"Right where were we?" the guidance councillor asked, in an attempt to get them back on track

"Right" Greg started up again, he hadn't finished his point "I'm here 'cause I got questions like these guys and those pamphlets it's just words to me. And I don't wanna ask my aunt she... I just can't so maybe you guys could help me out"

"Sure" Quinn nodded, she'd answer what she could "What do you want to know?"

"Well" he looked hesitant. But he hadn't stopped yet so he was't going to now "... I don't get it, what was it like before they gave you that Neurotrippy stuff?"

Okay, Quinn hadn't been prepared for that one, but everyone, even the OCD guidance councillor leaned in waiting. She felt Rachel's hand slip into her own "Shall I take this one?"

No, Quinn couldn't let Rachel do that, this wasn't fun to revisit, they'd had to revisit it enough in the rehab facility, she wouldn't make Rachel tell them all now, she'd take it "No, it's okay, I got it" she looked back to her audience, her old best friends on her right and then the boys across from them and the guidance councillor on her left "Um...When we woke an animalistic craving inside us told us to hunt and eat, its a basic brain function. We didn't just eat... people, but animals too. Horses and sheep and... anything. Its a thirst for flesh, a need to survive"

"You remember?" Santana actually cringed, she didn't think they'd remember that much, what she'd read told her flashbacks were rare... what else that she read had been a lie?

"Unfortunately, I wish I didn't. I don't remember everything, but it's enough to turn my stomach and enough for me to understand why you wouldn't trust us" Quinn admitted

"I killed and ate people too" Rachel knew her still mostly secret girlfriend was trying to protect her, she didn't need to though, Rachel would be there for her "I'm not saying we had to do it, though at the time we didn't really feel like we had a choice, those primal instincts kicked in and took over. And I'm not going to be one of those PDS sufferers who says we needed to do what we did... we don't need to eat now so why did we when we were rabid?" she asked rhetorically, her audience continued to listen intently to their guilt and stomach churning pain "I'm just saying, we're going to have to live with what we did... for however long we're going to live. We should just be thankful we can't remember all of it" Rachel said that last bit mostly to her girlfriend showing her support. This was a two way relationship "And I hope in time, trust can be built between all people again" she told the rest of the room

"Getting to know you guys as you are now, and our family who are like you... well you ain't so scary, and... it's just sad really... that you guys died in the first place" Azimio admitted, his followers agreeing immediately "And we're sorry Berry, if its what we did-"

"It wasn't" Rachel cut him off. She'd have never done that before in fear of his bullying, but things were different now "it wasn't any of you, please don't think that" she couldn't have them blaming themselves

"Berry?" Santana asked, getting everyone's attention "Did you..? never mind" she couldn't ask here, she felt that even for her usual bitchyness that was going too far.

.

When the meeting ended before the end of lunch, so the non PDS sufferers could actually go eat some lunch, Santana and Brittany held back to talk to the other two girls. Santana waited for the room to be clear until she spoke

"So you got some new members?" Santana commented lightly. Brittany looked a little pale at all the things she'd just learnt. She'd known the truth; everyone had known the supposed truth of what happened in the rising but knowing it from Quinn and Rachel's point of view. Deep in her innocent mind Brittany was glad she knew though.

"Yeah" Quinn shrugged "Turns out more people are effected that we thought"

"Would you wanna hang out tonight or something?" The Latina tried to ask smoothly

Brittany chirped in next to her "Can we? Like old times but with Rachel too"

Rachel just looked to Quinn to decide for them "Would you be okay with that?"

"Yeah, I would" she nodded. It beat having Santana and Brittany just show up at Quinn's while Rachel was trying to unclip her bra, Rachel thought to herself sarcastically, reversing the situation from the other night at her won house

"Okay" Quinn nodded to her girlfriend then to the other two girls "Yeah we'd like that"

"Ugh you're one of those sweet discuss everything couples" Santana remarked with disgust before her face formed a smirk letting Quinn know she was just teasing

"But San" Brittany sounded a little confused "You asked me before we came here if we should hang out with them. You always check with me" Santana's face dropped and she fought a blush at the revelation that she was what she mocked

It was Rachel who broke the tension by laughing, just lightly, it made Quinn laugh too.

Things were looking up, Rachel was sure of that. And maybe things weren't always going to wonderful or perfect but they were still looking better than they had at any other point in the past few months.

* * *

**Let me know what you think...**


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